How to make your DW get the hint???

[unleashedfury]

I can't always figure out why were behind every month. I make very good money, she makes a good wage herself.

 

I figured out a budget via radii8's sticky. And I come up with 400 dollars extra every month, Rough estimating not including OT, extra days picked up by wife and whatnot.

 

Well based on my budget we could use the extra cash to get caught up and if any extra money flow comes in use that as a saving or payoff tool. I based my budget on making a little extra added to minumum payments on CC's too. based on what I was paying in Gasoline/Heating Oil before the price drops.

 

However she continues to lemonade away money that was already budgeted for something else. She dosen't really care I can mouse and lemonade and moan all I want it dosent matter. The regular order out for lunch, Morning coffee, fast food joints, buying useless junk every month that is not needed. She won't save money I want to move on to bigger better things. Ya know pay my CC's off pay my loans off early. Start saving for a house. She insists that saving money is impossible when you have kids. I try hiding money and she sniffs it out. Oh you got OT pay this week what happened to it??? She gets paid Bi weekly and shes broke by monday and starts hitting up my cash We tried spliltting the bills and then I am always paying her share too.

 

My credit was destroyed a long time ago and I got myself on the right track now shes bringing me right back down again. Her credit is destroyed cuz she is too irresponsible to pay her bills I am so sick of bill collectors calling for bills that were in the budget that fell behind. Her answer is "well pay it all off on income tax season" They want their money now not 4 months from now. When Income tax season comes she finds all kinds of new reasons to lemonade away that money.

 

I have considered leaving, but I don't even have the money to get an apartment right now. I even considered leaving but I can't even put money aside for deposit on a apt.

 

Any other Options

Edited December 6, 2008 by unleashedfury

[Daddy]

Hilarious TITLE!!!!

[Kevin20]

And people wonder why I'm not married...

[2BlackCats]

DH and I each have a seperate account for gas, lunch and fun $. DH know that if he spends all his money, that's it until the next payday. It's really helped to control spending and also eliminates fights and having to ask to purchase something. If he wants a new guitar, he saves up his fun $$ until he has enough.

 

All other money goes into our joint accounts to be used for the budget. We have 2 joint checkings and a joint savings. One checking is for groceries and monthly bills that are the same amount every month. The other checking is a "fund' account and we put the budgeted amount for bills that are not a set amount/quarterly and some small fund accounts (gifts, minor auto, minor home and unexpected misc expenses). The leftover amount stays in its category and helps when the bill comes in for over the budgeted amount, like our propane in the winter and electric in the summer. I keep track of it in a spreadsheet in our budget workbook.

 

This system works best for us and we have been able to build up a solid savings, emergency fund, pay off all consumer debt and stay sane and happy about our finances and personal purchases.

 

Good luck and I hope you can work this out. The key is to make sure that you both agree on the system!

Edited December 6, 2008 by 2BlackCats

[Tate74]

I have friends in this same situation and they complain about it all the time but never do anything about it.

I personally have never understood why they voluntarily entered into slavery....er um I mean marriage.

 

You need to stand up and be a MAN PERIOD

Take the bull by the horns and tell her how it's gonna be

And if she loves you, she'll actually respect you more for being a MAN and not a doormat

 

And when she asks about extra money that YOU made just tell her

"I worked those extra hours to pay of our debt" "You DO want to buy a house someday, right?"

 

The main point though, is you HAVE to take control of the finances because it sounds like she's not doing a very good job at it.

[prudent]

I would approach it this way.

 

"Looking at our financial situation, it's clear we have a problem. We easily make enough to cover all our bills but we're still behind and we're not making any progress paying off what we owe. There are bill collectors calling all the time and that's not something we should have to deal with given our income. We need to have a budget that we will live with so we can turn things around and get out of debt. We won't have to make any major sacrifices and we will be able to start saving for a house."

 

Then I would get her to work with you on a budget. I know you said you already had one but I would start from scratch, making sure to get her co-operation in working it out. She's obviously an impulse shopper so you will need to make sure she has some free cash to spend. Getting her to do it with you is essential. Remember to set aside money for gifts, insurance, and all those other things which don't have a monthly payment.

 

Once you have the budget worked out, get agreement on how you both will live with it. "How can we make sure we don't spend more than we have planned?" You might move all the reserved funds to an account that you can't access via an ATM. If credit cards are the problem, either don't carry them or (more drastic) change to a prepaid Visa or MC which you recharge on payday with the budgeted amount for incidentals. That will cost a few dollars but you surely can't spend more than the card balance.

 

What seems to be the major hurdle is that she doesn't seem to care if you are in debt or are late with bills. It's important to get her to understand that that situation is unacceptable and more than that, isn't necessary. You make enough to not have to live that way.

 

You also have to get control over her lack of interest in paying HER bills on time. Volunteer to handle all the finances if you must.

 

Keep your finances open and above-board. No "hiding" money. No cheating. Sit down once a month and review your progress together. Maybe seeing things moving in the right direction will help her keep on the right path.

 

If she is absolutely unwilling to co-operate at all, then maybe you have to say, "We ARE going to do this, because I'm not willing to live like this any more. We are going to change our spending habits and get out of debt. There's enough money coming in and we are going to pay our bills on time. We don't have to eat canned soup every day or buy our clothes at Goodwill - we have enough money to do it. Things are going to change." If that doesn't get your point across, then you might need to say, "I don't know if you realize how serious I am. This is something we have to do, because I will not live this way any longer. No more."

 

When talking about the situation, remember to say "we" and not "YOU"

[Enjay]

You need to stand up and be a MAN PERIOD

Take the bull by the horns and tell her how it's gonna be

And if she loves you, she'll actually respect you more for being a MAN and not a doormat

 

Oh that's funny. Gone are the days when the man gets to tell the wife "how it's gonna be."

 

DH and I both work and make decent money. Even so, we give ourselves small allowances each week for lunches out and whatever. Everything else is budgeted to go either to bills, regular expenses, or savings. Our funds are comingled because we have similar views on spending.

 

If you can't comingle the funds, sit down with your wife and the bills and figure out exactly what you have to spend each month to fulfill your commitments. Have that amount directly deposited into the household account and pay the bills out of that. The money that isn't needed in the household account should be deposited into your individual accounts to spend as you wish. If she wants to blow hers and you save yours, that's the way it will be. In a perfect world we'd all fall in love with people who are perfectly compatible with us in every way, but that's not reality. It's up to you to decide if her spending habits are a deal breaker for you.

[drew3918]

I have friends in this same situation and they complain about it all the time but never do anything about it.

I personally have never understood why they voluntarily entered into slavery....er um I mean marriage.

 

You need to stand up and be a MAN PERIOD

Take the bull by the horns and tell her how it's gonna be

And if she loves you, she'll actually respect you more for being a MAN and not a doormat

 

And when she asks about extra money that YOU made just tell her

"I worked those extra hours to pay of our debt" "You DO want to buy a house someday, right?"

 

The main point though, is you HAVE to take control of the finances because it sounds like she's not doing a very good job at it.

:good: :good:

[ms_lisa]

I can't always figure out why were behind every month. I make very good money, she makes a good wage herself.

 

I figured out a budget via radii8's sticky. And I come up with 400 dollars extra every month, Rough estimating not including OT, extra days picked up by wife and whatnot.

 

Well based on my budget we could use the extra cash to get caught up and if any extra money flow comes in use that as a saving or payoff tool. I based my budget on making a little extra added to minumum payments on CC's too. based on what I was paying in Gasoline/Heating Oil before the price drops.

 

However she continues to lemonade away money that was already budgeted for something else. She dosen't really care I can mouse and lemonade and moan all I want it dosent matter. The regular order out for lunch, Morning coffee, fast food joints, buying useless junk every month that is not needed. She won't save money I want to move on to bigger better things. Ya know pay my CC's off pay my loans off early. Start saving for a house. She insists that saving money is impossible when you have kids. I try hiding money and she sniffs it out. Oh you got OT pay this week what happened to it??? She gets paid Bi weekly and shes broke by monday and starts hitting up my cash We tried spliltting the bills and then I am always paying her share too.

 

My credit was destroyed a long time ago and I got myself on the right track now shes bringing me right back down again. Her credit is destroyed cuz she is too irresponsible to pay her bills I am so sick of bill collectors calling for bills that were in the budget that fell behind. Her answer is "well pay it all off on income tax season" They want their money now not 4 months from now. When Income tax season comes she finds all kinds of new reasons to lemonade away that money.

 

I have considered leaving, but I don't even have the money to get an apartment right now. I even considered leaving but I can't even put money aside for deposit on a apt.

 

Any other Options

 

If you have already sat down with her and went over all of this and how you feel...you've already given the hint.

 

The only option I can really think of is possibly talking to a financial advisor together and see if having advice come from someone else would open her eyes.

Maybe some books on finances/savings that you could read together and talk about?

Marriage counselor?

 

Other than that, you can't make people do what they aren't willing to do. I'm sorry though, it's a sad situation.

[unleashedfury]

She finally got the hint. She came home from work the one morning, the kids were at my sisters (we share babysitting duites cuz it saves a fortune on daycare) and I stayed after at work to get some things done. Went to get a shower and found out no hot water Went to run the checking account for money to call and order oil,,, No money :lol: How did that happen, she called me at work and said about it, I asked what do you want me to do??? We have no money? And told her maybe you can call your parents, WELL she got brave enough to do that. and got the biggest a** chewing of her life. How she needs to grow up and be more responsible because we have kids now.

 

After calling me back crying about it. I told her where I had extra cash stashed and call and order oil with that. When I came home she actually sat down and asked How did we get into this mess?? Well being the checkbook expert that I am I showed her. all the extra uneeded expenses, luxuries and whatnot that puts us over the edge every month. added it all up because all she saw was well its only 3 dollars here 20 dollars there. it came to well over 5 to 6 hundred every month. This was unacceptable considering her hours got reduced it made it worse. She finally sat down and realized that this was the mess we where in. and The only way outta it is to reduce extra spending, cut back on eating out, the morning trips for coffee when you can make your own. pack a lunch instead of buying one. we get 50 bucks a piece spending cash thats for whatever, but when its gone....... Best of luck till next week. as soon as we get ahead of the game a little I want to pay off all CC's then pay off car loans take the money I was putting towards all these CC's and loans.. Plus some of my overtime cash we could have about 20k saved towards a house in 2 years. We would still have new cars and won't need to be replaced for about 10 years 2005 and 06 models both with very low mileage. 05 has another year to payoff the 06 has 3 years till payoff. I am a machinist, but I worked in a auto shop for years so maint. and repair costs are cost of parts.

 

Thanks for all your advice guys. So far so good its been about a week now and shes starting to show signs of compliance to the budget.

 

I always hated budgeting when I was younger ya know 18 thru 21 when you know it all. You don't need a budget thats for tightwads and people who are broke.... Well w/o one you can make a million dollars a year and you'll be broke.

Edited December 15, 2008 by unleashedfury

[shop_free]

Congrats!..I know how hard it is when you are trying your spouse is spending.

Glad that she finally got a wake up call and hopefully it will last.

[Jen23514]

I always hated budgeting when I was younger ya know 18 thru 21 when you know it all. You don't need a budget thats for tightwads and people who are broke.... Well w/o one you can make a million dollars a year and you'll be broke.

 

amen.

[TJ Girl]

Glad that she finally got a wake up call and hopefully it will last.

And do keep an eye on this. When you (generic "you") have a big wakeup call it's easy to make a drastic change. Then a little time goes by and you start to think "well, one little thing won't make a difference." And soon one is two, and then three and four....

It's human nature - we all do it (with finances, with eating, with exercise, etc). It takes a lot of work to maintain a change in habits - especially one that was brought on quickly.

So keep an eye out for that pattern.

[mudnuri]

catch 22 there

 

you ran out of oil, she called you, you bailed it out and told her where money was. While I understand you had no choice, you need oil/hot water you came to the rescue again. I guess sort of enabling the behavior.

 

It's easy to fall back into her habits, when she knows you will be there to pick up the pieces. Be very careful about that!

 

I do the same thing with my own budget, and I catch myself doing it more so at this time of year. One more pair of jeans isn't going to break my budget, but does my 12 year old really need another pair for christmas? That type of thing. Small things add up so quickly.

 

I spent hours on my budget, and have every thing I could think of into it, including the 2 dunkin donuts coffee's I get- 1 on my way into work, 1 on my way outta work... That 2.50 each would have added up to $15.00 per week pretty quickly (3 day work week)...

 

just sayin

 

Brandy

[seattle]

I have a simpler system, get 3 checking accounts... Yes 3... 1 For bills, 1 for the money you want to dole out to her, 1 for the one you can spend in... Get them all at the same bank, might be helpfull "depends on your situation" so that you can move money around each account.

 

Divide money into accounts she spends what she's got and thats the end of it no money in there no problems.

[Guest Bree82]

^^^ We have that - and I was the one doling out the money (mostly to me) but as of today DH will be the one in charge. I have the same problem as OPs wife and finally "got a clue" - lol when a $6200 deposit was gone a week later.

Edited December 26, 2008 by Bree82

[luvs2laff]

DH and I each have a seperate account for gas, lunch and fun $. DH know that if he spends all his money, that's it until the next payday. It's really helped to control spending and also eliminates fights and having to ask to purchase something. If he wants a new guitar, he saves up his fun $$ until he has enough.

 

All other money goes into our joint accounts to be used for the budget. We have 2 joint checkings and a joint savings. One checking is for groceries and monthly bills that are the same amount every month. The other checking is a "fund' account and we put the budgeted amount for bills that are not a set amount/quarterly and some small fund accounts (gifts, minor auto, minor home and unexpected misc expenses). The leftover amount stays in its category and helps when the bill comes in for over the budgeted amount, like our propane in the winter and electric in the summer. I keep track of it in a spreadsheet in our budget workbook.

 

This system works best for us and we have been able to build up a solid savings, emergency fund, pay off all consumer debt and stay sane and happy about our finances and personal purchases.

 

Good luck and I hope you can work this out. The key is to make sure that you both agree on the system!

 

I am so stealing this idea. That is awesome! Me and DH do something simillar, but we still run into problemss from time to time. I think the 2 joint checking accounts would solve our problems.

 

Thanks for posting this.

[k9kreationz]

I know this is an older thread, but have you thought about just giving your wife an allowance and not giving her access to the accounts. Or take away her debit/credit cards or something?

[wanabe]

I have the same problem except mine is DM.

 

We are buying a house together and she is the same way.

She gets a bi-weely pay check and SS.

I take care of all the household bills because nothing would get paid/or on time.

I tell her monthly how much her half is on the bills and she gives me her half out of one of her pay checks.

 

Her half of mortgage comes out of SS check. I am a month ahead so I add up monthly

bills and know a month ahead how much it will be usually around the same a month.

By me being a month ahead means I have all the bills saved up for the next month

and at the beginning of the month it is due I have it all and when she gives

me her half that is extra that I have.

 

I have a peace of mind knowing I don't have to wait on her half for the bills to be paid.

She don't have to worry about nothing getting cut off or even when it is due.

She also don't know I already have it or she would come up with excuses of what she had to do with the money.

 

Now her own personal CC is a different story. She get calls all the time about late

payments, overdraft bank accounts and so on. Every year she spends her income tax

check catching up only to be broke less than a week later and doing the same thing

year after year. I gave up on trying to get her to see what she is doing to herself.

 

As long as I can help provide a roof over our heads and food to eat that is all I can

seem to do.

[Medion]

After calling me back crying about it. I told her where I had extra cash stashed and call and order oil with that.

 

This is where you screwed up. Now the next time she does this, she knows where you hide your cash.

 

I did the same thing a few years ago. I kept thinking that I could fix my wife's crazy spending habits. After two years of losing almost everything that I had, I told her we were broke, and that if she ran up a debt, I'm gone. Either she didn't take me seriously, or she wanted to get what she could while she could, because she went on another shopping spree. I left her that next day.

 

Not all people (men or women) can be "fixed" by an external source in regards to money issues. They have to realize it themselves. Even when they do realize it, they don't quit cold turkey. What you did was further enable her. You should have made her not only go without hot water for as long as you could take it, but also hit her in a few other areas. I'm sorry to say this, but she's going to do it again.

[Cactus Flower]

I know this is an older thread, but have you thought about just giving your wife an allowance and not giving her access to the accounts. Or take away her debit/credit cards or something?

 

 

Except she works also.. earns a pay check herself ...

 

I would, personally, resent being put on an "allowance" system because my SO deemed I was spending too much -- especially if I was making a "good wage" also..

 

The root of the problem here isn't the spending.. it's something far greater. Like ...lack of respect for the other person and the relationship as a whole....

If they can't "work together" towards a solution - one person cutting the other person off, isn't going to work.

[Athena53]

I hope the OP and his wife are still doing well, but wanted to relate what I did when I was married to a husband who was similarly irresponsible. I'd been struggling to pay everything, including minimums on his ccs, the cleaning lady (he insisted on it) and all the essentials. I was borrowing against my stocks to get the extra $$$ and a couple of times had to sell stocks when the value went down. DH did not want to hear about budgets or saving or EFs. Heck, *I* was the EF.

 

I added up the cost of all the essentials- mortgage, utilities, etc. Thank God, my salary was enough to pay them. I got rid of the luxuries (cleaning lady, for example) and left my husband to sink or swim on his own financially because I couldn't bail him out anymore. Everything in my name got paid and the lights stayed on and the water kept running. Still, it wasn't pretty. We got calls from collection agencies. A couple of times we had Sherriff's Notices pasted on our mailbox because he'd defaulted on credit accounts to local stores. We got divorced shortly after that. The Ex's credit rating was in the toilet. I got a $250K mortgage and moved on.

 

This tactic is known as a "financial divorce". If you can afford to pay the essentials and any joint debt on your salary, I highly recommend it.

[Saturngoddess]

I am somewhat like the OP's wife. I don't like it, it causes me untold sleepless nights and I feel sick inside all the time.

 

I am not excusing myself, but have decided that I really need a reality check. My first one was when I deposited a paycheck from my DH, but it was gone in literally a week - and we were leaving for a trip to northern california for my dd's championships...

 

My husband though, isn't helping either. He may claim that he is responsible, but it isn't like the money comes from God - he knows we eat out, do things, and he wants money to go spend on camera stuff that he buys, gives to his dad to sell and then never sees the money again..

 

Now, he wants to subsidize his mother's cost of living without discussing it with me.

 

 

We both have work to do - but I am starting by organizing all the bills into colored folders (I keep 3 months ahead of time) setting up savings accounts for necessary things like registration, dd's graduation stuff, trips we want to take (like to visit my parents next year) and whatever else. He does do a envelope system, but always goes into it - then forgets and blames me.

 

He is more financially responsible than I am (I will give him that) but he wants to take all money away from me and give me nothing - that is why I refuse to hand over all the bills to him.

 

We will work this out - cause this is the year that I am going to get on track and have all my goals met, month by month..

 

BTW - my problem isn't that I spend too much money because I am bored etc.. I think it is because there is not alot of closeness between DH and I (KWIM?). However, I also think that the stress of the bills makes him not want to be close - so it is kind of a can't win for nothing situation.

 

I'm hoping once we get this together - he see's we are saving money, I get a job and we make progress, the other problem will also go away - I hope..

[DharmaDog]

Someone has to take charge in the relationship regarding finances. You can do it together or not. It doesn't matter, but it shouldn't be belittling to the party that is not in direct control.

 

The issue I have with comments made here is that several of you have implied that it's not okay for a man to take charge when a woman is also making money. Okay, but I suppose it would be okay in reverse?

 

I know a man who was the COO of a major airline. His wife was a stay at home mom. She handled all the finances. Was that wrong? No, of course not. So why isn't a man allowed to to take charge of finances in a relationship if the woman is being irresponsible? Especially, if they have kids and her spending is jeopardizing their welfare?

 

Whenever it's suggested that a man take charge, the response here is "oh, no you didn't!"

 

Why? What's wrong with either party, or both parties taking charge when it's so obvious that SOMEONE needs to?

[angeleyeskkhr]

Someone has to take charge in the relationship regarding finances. You can do it together or not. It doesn't matter, but it shouldn't be belittling to the party that is not in direct control.

 

The issue I have with comments made here is that several of you have implied that it's not okay for a man to take charge when a woman is also making money. Okay, but I suppose it would be okay in reverse?

 

I know a man who was the COO of a major airline. His wife was a stay at home mom. She handled all the finances. Was that wrong? No, of course not. So why isn't a man allowed to to take charge of finances in a relationship if the woman is being irresponsible? Especially, if they have kids and her spending is jeopardizing their welfare?

 

Whenever it's suggested that a man take charge, the response here is "oh, no you didn't!"

 

Why? What's wrong with either party, or both parties taking charge when it's so obvious that SOMEONE needs to?

 

It's not the "taking charge" of finances that can be a problem. What WILL be a problem is trying to take over control of all the money and doling out what you think is appropriate, regardless of the spouse's concerns and the fact that she (or he) is also earning that money and has just as much of a "right" or "say" in how it's spent.

 

No one person in a relationship can or should (IMHO) just "take charge" or "take control" without a sit-down discussion and agreement on both sides--regardless of whether it's a one or two income household. But what some were saying (at least how I read it), was that someone earning their own paycheck would be EXTREMELY unwilling to just hand over their paycheck against their will.