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Another update on my daughter...

The last post in this topic was posted 2912 days ago. 

 

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She has now been in the residential treatment center for just a couple days shy of 5 months. As far as progress goes...nada. The program would work, if only she would take the reigns and choose to work the program. She mostly continues to do and say things to try and get a rise out of me, but that doesn't work. She had a period of about 3 weeks recently where it seemed she was maybe going to make some progress and finally start doing what she ought to do, but that came to an end last week when she flipped right back to being hateful, spiteful, and down right vindictive towards me. She continues to place blame on me and refuses to get on track. She attempted to AWOL yesterday with her "boyfriend". He's another client at the RTC, one who she is totally wrapped up in and her behaviors and moods seem to be dictated by whatever is going on with him. Anyway, apparently he made it over the wall and she didn't. He was caught by police an hour later.

It seems like we are definitely headed towards her remaining a ward of the state and in foster care until she ages out of the system. Our CPS caseworker, my attorney, my parent aide, etc have all mentioned that "reunification" doesn't seem likely. They aren't looking to terminate my parental rights, so I will still have visitation and likely be able to have her out on pass on occasion. It's all just so overwhelming, exhausting, and heartbreaking.

I received a call from the detective that was handling the case of "sexual conduct with a minor" against the now 20 year old. He made me aware that the state had indeed brought formal charges against him and he would be arrested as soon as the warrant was processed and they could locate him. Turns out ye was arrested day before yesterday. In my state, based on my daughter's age at the time the contact happened, he has been charged with a class 2 felony (2 actually) because it was considered a "dangerous crime against children". He faces 13-26 YEARS per count if he is convicted. I find that quite extreme based on my knowledge of what occurred, but the law is the law I suppose and he KNEW she was only 14 at the time. Still a hard pill to swallow.

 

Edit due to spelling

Edited by suedinaz

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I know i t is hard on you. But really, it sounds like keeping her institutionalized is for the best.

 

Have they determined what is wrong with her?

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She is Bipolar, has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and possibly drug & alcohol dependency.

Edited by suedinaz

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hard as it might be - as the caseworkers and the psychologists if she may be better off if you don't visit -

 

 

and let them tell her it's thier decision, not yours -

 

it's her life and she is going to have to take charge of it, regardless of what sort of blame she lays at your feet.

 

she has to realize she has a medical condition and it effecting her judgment and behavior - until she gets that realization in her head, nothing will help

 

and it's a hard realization to make when you have a mental illness that's effecting your judgment.

 

I had a cousin who went into a downward sprial with addiction and emotional issues in her late 30's and she was still blaming her mom for stuff that happened in her teenage years -& it was stuff which her mother had no control over.

 

she seems to be fine now after years of counsoling and court ordered rehab.

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hard as it might be - as the caseworkers and the psychologists if she may be better off if you don't visit -

 

 

and let them tell her it's thier decision, not yours -

 

it's her life and she is going to have to take charge of it, regardless of what sort of blame she lays at your feet.

 

she has to realize she has a medical condition and it effecting her judgment and behavior - until she gets that realization in her head, nothing will help

 

and it's a hard realization to make when you have a mental illness that's effecting your judgment.

 

I had a cousin who went into a downward sprial with addiction and emotional issues in her late 30's and she was still blaming her mom for stuff that happened in her teenage years -& it was stuff which her mother had no control over.

 

she seems to be fine now after years of counsoling and court ordered rehab.

 

I wish I could do that, not visit sometimes, however I am court ordered to visit her with my parent aide (assigned by CPS) once a week for 2 hours. I do love my daughter, and I will always be here for her, but there is only so much I can take. There are definitely sometimes that I wish I didn't have to visit her, especially when things are going so bad. But, I will continue to do everything that is required of me and more. I am also taking parenting classes and attending counseling, in which no one has required me to do, but I am doing because I felt it is necessary. Eventually, my daughter will have to take responsibility for what is happening in her life. She will be forced to realize that her actions and choices are what has caused the situation to become what it has. She will see that I, her mother, did everything in my power to get her the help she so desperately needed. She has been offered every tool imaginable to help her 'recover' and move forward in life. She needs to be the one to accept the tools and use them to her advantage. She has so many people that are pulling for her, trying to save her from herself and save her life. She is the only one that isn't putting forth any effort to help herself. Seemingly, the only effort she is willing to exert at this point is efforts to alienate the people that love her and destroy herself and me.

What hurts the most for me, is that I'm essentially grieving the loss of my daughter, but she is still alive. She is alive...but she isn't "living". The person she once was isn't there anymore. When I look at her, I see my beautiful daughter, but the person she has become beneath that outer shell is a complete stranger to me. It is surreal. It is extremely painful. I will always continue to wish her the best. All I want for her is to be healthy and happy. More and more, I am coming to accept that her and I may never have a normal Mother/Daughter relationship again...if any relationship at all. My ultimate wish/hope is that someday, which may not be for many many years, she will get it together and be able to live a relatively happy and productive life. Unfortunately, hope is very hard to come by lately. Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I'm having a difficult time coping with all of this, and sometimes writing things down helps.

Edited by suedinaz

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:( I didn't mean forever ...

 

 

I just meant if to ask the Pyschologists if it would be better for her if you stopped your visits - for a while and see what steps she would take.

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:( I didn't mean forever ...

 

 

I just meant if to ask the Pyschologists if it would be better for her if you stopped your visits - for a while and see what steps she would take.

 

Oh, no...I didn't take it to mean forever. I just meant that right now, I don't have the option of not visiting her for any period of time. My mandatory visits are just something that I cannot choose to skip. I would never put an end to visits permanently, and I know that's not what you were suggesting. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if her not seeing me for awhile would be a good thing too. However, with her having Borderline Personality Disorder it could totally backfire. One of the hallmark 'symptoms' of BPD is the sufferer's fear of real or imagined abandonment. So, while a 'normal' person may realize the need for change once people who love them back off or stop coming around due to their behaviors- someone with BPD may decompensate even more due to the seeming 'abandonment'. Loving someone with BPD is very challenging. You constantly walk on eggshells and no matter what you do...even if it's exactly what the BPD has asked of you, it's not good enough. I'm coming to realize that you truly cannot love someone through or past their pain and illness. It's a hard reality when your child is sick and suffering...as a mom, all you want is to make it all better...but I can't. She has to want it for herself, and learn to love herself enough to realize she is worthy of pulling out of this.

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If I may suggest, since there is a possibility of drug or alcohol abuse/addiction, you will find much support and hope at an alanon meeting. You can probably find a schedule online, and you do not have to say a word, just say you want to listen.

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