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situation at work

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This is a hypthetical situation of course. :lol:

 

My married boss who I've worked with for 7 months (since I started with this company) hit on my VERY subtely at a restaurant at a business meeting the two of us had. I did not show an interest so he left it alone.

 

We do not work in the same office, I work from home most days, but we email each other about business several times a week and we meet maybe once every couple months for business reasons.

 

I have NO interest in him other than as a boss and I do like him a lot, but as a FRIEND only. I actually think overall he is a nice person, other than he obviously has a problem with having affairs. It's really none of my business, that part of his life anyhow. I don't know how often or even if he really does have affairs. I have no proof that he does but I'd be willing to bet he does.

 

I am not married but recently got a boyfriend.

 

Just in the course of conversation that came up I mentioned this fact to him, did not go into any detail. This is the first boyfriend I've had in over a year, since before I started working at this company.

 

My boss and I don't talk about a ton of personal topics but I have gotten to know him as a person and I don't see anything wrong with mentioning that I have a boyfriend. Actually the reason the subject got brought up is that my new boyfriend knows someone else who the boss knows, and I wanted to ask my boss if he'd ever heard of this guy. I did not know my boyfriend too well so I wanted to just ask around, see if anyone knew anything about him.

 

Turns out my boss did not know anyone who knew him, but my boss knows a lot of people through business so I thought it can not hurt to ask.

 

Anyhow my boss was supposed to meet with me over dinner this week to discuss business. It was actually to increase my bonus because an error had been made. It amounts to maybe $600 extra a year I'd receive. It's a long story and it was not his fault at all that the error was made, but the point is he agreed to fix it.

 

He's done everything he said he would over the past 7 mos I've worked at this company, I have been treated great and with respect and fairness.

 

Now it's been 3 days and he has not emailed me back, even though I asked him what day we were meeting for dinner because I needed to make sure I scheduled it in.

 

Do you think the fact that I have a boyfriend and now he knows he does not have a chance (which he NEVER did with me) has anything to do with his lack of response?

 

I wonder now if the reason he has treated me so well is because all along he's had a crush on me and was hoping I'd sleep with him!? Or am I reading too much into this.

 

Don't get me wrong he is even cute and I do like the guy as a person, but I would NEVER sleep with my boss nor a married man.

 

Should I just give it a few more days and see what happens? Am I overreacting?

 

Has anyone ever had problems at work like this? Again, he was very subtle he didn't harass me other than he just made it clear if I was interested than he would sleep with me. That was it. And maybe he read into something I did subconsciously, maybe I smiled at him wrong or something, if I did it was not on purpose on my part.

 

Any advice would be appreciated because this situation has me worried. That he won't fix my bonus program now because of all this. I never dreamed it would be an issue, I mean this new boyfriend I have I really do like a lot and if things keep going well I would consider a long-term commitment even marriage possibly. Which I don't say lightly.

 

It's not as if I could have (or would have wanted to even) hide the fact that in the future my boyfriend and I might even become engaged and get married. I understand it's smart to keep one's personal life out of work but I didn't see the harm in my boss knowing the mere fact that I have a boyfriend, to me that is not overly personal.

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How did he "subtly" let you know he wanted to sleep with you. What did he do or say. Maybe you read him wrong.

 

Why do you have to have dinner to discuss a bonus anyway? Won't email or a conversation in the office do?

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He is going to put the bonus info in writing. He also wants to discuss recruiting which I have been doing lately, and some other work issues.

 

What he did was, when we were out to dinner 6 months ago, is he asked was I seeing anyone.

 

I told him no but that since he knows a lot of people maybe he could introduce me to someone. Which it's true he DOES know a lot of people with the type job he has.

 

He said well what are you looking for, because he and his wife met through someone setting them up (20+ yrs ago). Then he asked, did I like older men and his face turned red. He happens to be 60 and I'm in my 30's. Oh and earlier in the conversation he'd told me he was 59 and asked how old I was (which he could have easily found out from my employment application which was filed in the office---so I told him).

 

So I told him (in general, I did not say anything private or personal) a list of what I wanted in a guy. I made a joke about it somewhat, I said I want a guy who can lift heavy furniture, who isn't elderly and on a walker, etc.

 

He looked at me over dinner and I could see it in his face and his eyes that he would have gone out with me had I made a move.

 

But he did not do anything overtly inappropriate. He is the type guy who would NEVER make a move on me, not physically, unless I did first.

 

Anyway maybe I should wait a few days and call his VM or email him to ask could he just put the bonus in writing and mail it to me?

 

Or should I leave this alone for a while? He told me he'd put it in writing so that after he was gone (he did not mean anytime soon-he just said since I'll likely be working here longer since I'm a lot younger), that as long as I work at this co. I'll get the bonus plan each year.

 

I don't want to just ignore this. It really does not affect me this year, because I have a bonus plan in writing for this year only, so there is no huge hurry. Of course if he got hit by a mac truck I would never get the bonus other than this year.

 

This can add up to several thousand dollars over the life of my career. I like this company and plan to stay here until I retire in 20 or more years.

Edited by cattthy

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How did he "subtly" let you know he wanted to sleep with you. What did he do or say. Maybe you read him wrong.

 

Why do you have to have dinner to discuss a bonus anyway? Won't email or a conversation in the office do?

 

 

Ummm... yeah. It sounds like the amount of "dinners" you two have is a little on the inappropriate side. Your boss should not be taking you out to dinner to discuss work issues AT ALL. This should be done on company time. And the fact that you've been going along with this may have led him to believe there was interest on your part.

 

However, I'm not trying to say that's your fault. I'm just trying to say that you probably want to cool down the "friendship" aspect of your relationship and keep it strictly professional from now on, because he is obviously interested in more than friendship.

 

Good luck with the bonus. I hope he gives it to you anyway. Keep in mind that about $50/month (after taxes) is not worth compromising your integrity.

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You shouldn't be discussing personal stuff with your boss at all, really, but particularly not over dinner. :rofl:

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We have only been to TWO dinners. One was with a new recruit I was trying to get to come work for us, it was a guy I used to work with who my boss wanted to hire.

 

The other was a "new hire" dinner which normally takes place with the boss, the new hire and her/his spouse. Since I do no have a spouse it was just with me.

 

I am really in love with my boyfriend and I have no interest in dating the boss. I just want him to follow through on what he promised to me in terms of the bonus.

 

Also, I honestly thought my boss liked me as a person, as a friend. I can't believe the only reason he showed an interest in me was just because he wanted to bang me.

 

I guess that was a naive assumption on my part? I have male friends I don't sleep with, I do not see a problem with men and women being friends.

 

So what do I do now? Do I wait til next week and if he had not responded by then call him, leave a VM, and ask him to mail the bonus plan to me and I'll sign it and mail it back? He may respond to my email before then, I don't know.

 

But he is working right now, because he is online....our workplace allows us to see who is online at all times, remotely.

Edited by cattthy

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I am really in love with my boyfriend

Wait, what?

 

You just said up there that you just started dating this dude. You just said you asked your boss about a mutual acquaintance because "I did not know my boyfriend too well".

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All too confusing. Man, send dude an email and ask about the contract and keep it moving. IF he was hitting on you and you said no, most likely he's moved on to find the one that will say yes. He probably isn't even thinking about you. :rolleyes:

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Ok maybe love is a strong term. Infatuated is more like it.

 

This was about a month ago when I asked my boss did he know anyone who knew this guy because he knew Sally (made up name) who works in our industry.

 

But now I have dated my boyfriend a few times and I could see it going somewhere serious.

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All too confusing. Man, send dude an email and ask about the contract and keep it moving. IF he was hitting on you and you said no, most likely he's moved on to find the one that will say yes. He probably isn't even thinking about you. :rolleyes:

 

I agree, but dude could also have gotten the wrong signals from her since she went out to dinner with him and crossed the boundaries of what constitutes appropriate conversation with him so he may be temporarily pissed off he "wasted" his time on her. There is a small chance that is why suddenly he isn't responding to her.

Edited by butterflywings

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Who cares about the boyfriend????? :rolleyes:

 

Ask for your money, geesh. ;) or don't...either way, I wouldn't be getting dramatic about telling a boss (which i never would have told him anyway) about some dude I met two weeks ago and went out to dinner with...by that merit the boss is a boyfriend. :lol:

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All too confusing. Man, send dude an email and ask about the contract and keep it moving. IF he was hitting on you and you said no, most likely he's moved on to find the one that will say yes. He probably isn't even thinking about you. :rolleyes:

 

I agree, but dude could also have gotten the wrong signals from her since she went out to dinner with him and crossed the boundaries of what constitutes appropriate conversation with him so he may be temporarily pissed off he "wasted" his time on her. There is a small chance that is why suddenly he isn't responding to her.

 

again, so what? email and ask for your $. and learn to not tell folks your business, which it seems like isn't really any business worth telling since you don't know if dude is a crackhead or not yet. ;)

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The person whose fault it is, moved and has nothing to do with it. When I started w/the company she was my manager then she screwed up one too many times and I requested that she not be my manager. She is on her way out of the company, she has tons of personal issues and probably won't work here too much longer.

 

Dang,

 

You are right he probably has just moved on having realized he can't have me.

 

Since I just emailed him today, I probably should wait a day or two and see if he responds. If not then I should email him back and tell him I want the contract info mailed to me. Or I could leave a vm.

 

It's squeezing a lemon me off that it's been a couple weeks or 3 weeks maybe since he said he'd fix it and now he is not!!!

 

He's the one who brought it up, that he would definatly fix it. Now he is almost ignoring it. He has NEVER ignored me in the past.

 

This makes me so annoyed!

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You are overreacting. It was one moment, which may or may not have been misinterpreted - and it's not like you want to drag the elephant out from under the table and wave it in his face by asking if he was hitting on you.

 

I would just take the dinner and the subtle looks out of the equation. Send him a follow up e-mail asking if he'd like you to come into the office to discuss your bonus agreement, or if he'd prefer to handle it via email/fax/snail mail.

 

My theory is, HE is also trying to figure out how to avoid another awkward "dinner meeting". Just keep it professional, and during office hours.

 

(I'm sorry if this is worded poorly - I'm on pain meds.)

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1) Your status with your boyfriend isn't relevant...'cuz you wouldn't sleep with a married man anyway, yes?

 

2) There's a lot going on here that's throwing up all kinds of red flags for me :rolleyes: - but I'll just say contact the man again and get your money straightened out.

 

3) Stop discussing your personal life with folks at work.

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You are right he probably has just moved on having realized he can't have me.

 

Go 'head on, girl...nothing wrong with a healthy dose of self esteem. :rolleyes:;)

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I guess I just really thought the boss was a good person. He made such a big deal about how great his wife was.

 

How great it was they had been married for so long.

 

Now it turns out he's a slimeball I guess. Not the person I though he was, I thought he was like a nice older brother type figure almost.

 

I am disappointed that he's not like that, he's a fake I guess!

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1) Your status with your boyfriend isn't relevant...'cuz you wouldn't sleep with a married man anyway, yes?

 

2) There's a lot going on here that's throwing up all kinds of red flags for me ;) - but I'll just say contact the man again and get your money straightened out.

 

3) Stop discussing your personal life with folks at work.

what she said.

 

man this is a record, you were right twice this week. :lol::rolleyes:

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The. Hell. ;)

 

It's been three days. You just emailed him today. It's been two weeks.

 

Make up your mind. Or get your story straight. Or just just tell us what it is you want to hear, so we can go practice our lines.

 

:rolleyes:

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Okay, I kind of dig your dramatics.

 

Tell us more about this boyfriend and how you met. I think I will like the story. Dont' forget to tell us how long you have knwon this boyfriend.

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You are right he probably has just moved on having realized he can't have me.

 

Go 'head on, girl...nothing wrong with a healthy dose of self esteem. :lol::huh:

 

 

I am going to have to ask you to do better. :rolleyes:;)

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You are overreacting. It was one moment, which may or may not have been misinterpreted - and it's not like you want to drag the elephant out from under the table and wave it in his face by asking if he was hitting on you.

 

I would just take the dinner and the subtle looks out of the equation. Send him a follow up e-mail asking if he'd like you to come into the office to discuss your bonus agreement, or if he'd prefer to handle it via email/fax/snail mail.

 

My theory is, HE is also trying to figure out how to avoid another awkward "dinner meeting". Just keep it professional, and during office hours.

 

(I'm sorry if this is worded poorly - I'm on pain meds.)

 

This.

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Could we have a time line, too? 'Cause, I'd like to see it all laid out. I'm visual that way. :rolleyes:

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