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Since DH is a SAHD, he could get custody of DS if we get divorced (plus alimony and child support). How would I go on? I would die if I didn't have my son to come home to everyday. What's worse, staying in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage or loosing custody of the light of my life? It's just bad any way you slice it.

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Just because he's a SAHD doesn't mean he'd automatically get custody. You'll have to get into court and fight for custody. I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive situation - your son is paying attention to all of that and it's no good for either of you. Take some time to research and figure out your options, then go from there.

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Just because he's a SAHD doesn't mean he'd automatically get custody. You'll have to get into court and fight for custody. I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive situation - your son is paying attention to all of that and it's no good for either of you. Take some time to research and figure out your options, then go from there.

 

I know it's not automatic, but what IF. I can't even bear the thought.

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Just because he's a SAHD doesn't mean he'd automatically get custody. You'll have to get into court and fight for custody. I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive situation - your son is paying attention to all of that and it's no good for either of you. Take some time to research and figure out your options, then go from there.

 

 

Says who? Being a SAHD doesn't AUTOMATICALLY grant you custody. The court USUALLY tries to determine what is in the best interest of the child. Get a lawyer. Best of luck to you.

 

 

These two are giving good advice for once...

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unless there is a reason, most of the time joint custody is awarded with a primary residence.

 

I believe the court system to still be slanted towards women being awarded primary custody...... so unless you're a crack-smoking-whoring-abusive-<edited>, chances are you would be awarded primary custody.

 

SAHD has little to do with it. Plus, if you get divorced, unless he is independently wealthy, he couldn't afford to be a SAHD :lol:

 

 

{{{{{{LOCH NESS}}}}}}}

 

 

When I left DDs Dad, I was CONVINCED (or he had me convinced :lol: ) I couldn't do it on my own. I was prepared to fall apart..... but you know what? I was in the best mental shape I had been in years! This HUGE weight had been lifted and I could breathe again. It's hard to explain, what I mean.

 

I talked to an attorney and cried for 20 minutes about how I *knew* I was going to lose DD because I was not fit to take care of her (somehow I let him convince me of that). The attorney bascially laughed at me and said there is no way and it was all a mind-f&ck. That 1/2 hour consultation went a LONG ways towards helping me move out. I told DDs Dad the day before I moved out that the movers would be there at 8am. I have never regretted it either.

 

You can't stay where you are if it's abusive.

Edited by Jen23514
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Just because he's a SAHD doesn't mean he'd automatically get custody. You'll have to get into court and fight for custody. I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive situation - your son is paying attention to all of that and it's no good for either of you. Take some time to research and figure out your options, then go from there.

 

I know it's not automatic, but what IF. I can't even bear the thought.

 

You'll have to bear the thought so you can mitigate against it. Buck up and start doing what you need to do to bolster your position for custody.

 

OC... :lol:

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Since DH is a SAHD, he could get custody of DS if we get divorced (plus alimony and child support). How would I go on? I would die if I didn't have my son to come home to everyday. What's worse, staying in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage or loosing custody of the light of my life? It's just bad any way you slice it.

 

 

Lochness,

 

Personally I dont think he would get FULL custody. Rather he is a SAHD or not. I am a SAHD and have full custody of my son, but that is only becuase he mother is--------------I wont talked bad about her :lol:

For me it was easy VERY easy to get custody of my DS but there were many things going on with his mom at the time and still is, but she doesnt even see him now. How sad!

 

Personally, after being connected with many attorneys the rational now is that the courts want both parents to be part of the childs life. With that being said, MOST courts now perfer Shared Custody. If you dont want shared custody, then you can fight for visitation rights for the father, depending on the state and local rules most are every other weekend and half the summers or something like that. If he is abusive, then that is what I would do.... as it would be the best thing for the child.

 

Good luck

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Just because he's a SAHD doesn't mean he'd automatically get custody. You'll have to get into court and fight for custody. I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive situation - your son is paying attention to all of that and it's no good for either of you. Take some time to research and figure out your options, then go from there.

 

I know it's not automatic, but what IF. I can't even bear the thought.

 

Then don't. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row IF the time should ever come.

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unless there is a reason, most of the time joint custody is awarded with a primary residence.

 

I believe the court system to still be slanted towards women being awarded primary custody...... so unless you're a crack-smoking-whoring-abusive-<edited>, chances are you would be awarded primary custody.

 

:yahoo: Joint custody is becoming the desired standard. The system is still slanted against men, though it is better than it used to be.

 

That fear of losing the kid(s)?... welcome to many father's worlds.

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What is joint custody?

 

Both parents share custody and visitation of some sort is worked out. For example, you may have him M-F and DH gets him on the weekends or every other weekend.

Edited by shorty
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btw, I Don't know how it is in your state, but in KS here is a brief run down of how custody is handled.

 

Both parents fill out a proposed parenting plan and it is submitted (can be done w/o attorneys).

 

The court then sends you to mandatory mediation if the plans do not match (it took up 9 sessions to arrive at a agreed upon parenting plan).

 

If the county mediator (social worker) concludes that the parents can not agree, then the judge determines the parenting plan, which (from what I've heard) basically follows the suggested plan.

 

here is an example of the parenting plans/process for KS:

http://www.kscourts.org/programs/Parenting...ing/default.asp

 

The system in KS is designed for parents to work it out amongst themselves w/o attorneys. Even though I was represented by an attorney, during the parenting plan/mediation part, he had very little to nothing to do with the process.

 

Each state is different, but a 1/2 hour - hour consultation with an attorney practicing family law could clarify your state's process.

 

If you want, I can poke around in your state's info if you want to share (either here or PM). This is the scariest part (the planning).... once you make the leap, things will start to get better.

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What is joint custody?

 

 

Both have equal time or one will have more than the other.....

 

If you live in the same town, same school district you may have child x amount of days per week and the other have the rest.....

 

Personally, I think this is harder on the kids than anything but its becoming the NORM

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Joint custody is when parents share custody of the child...the specifics vary from case to case.

 

You have a lot of research to do.

 

for us, joint custody means this:

 

I have to consult with her dad (we have equal decision making rights) with respect to health, religion, education, and other major issues.

 

I am the primary residence, meaning she lives with me all but 2 nights a week (tues and fri). Some parents do every other weekend, etc... this is what we worked out in mediation.

 

Primary custody means that only one parent has the rights to make the major decisions, and that the other parent has very limited rights with respect to vistiation, decision making, and other things.

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That fear of losing the kid(s)?... welcome to many father's worlds.

:yahoo:

Heheh. For sure. Takes me back to the posts about "just leave" in the Dr. Laura thread. Remember, it was said a couple of times it's so easy to "just leave" in practice as well as in theory.

Edited by Fallon
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Since DH is a SAHD, he could get custody of DS if we get divorced (plus alimony and child support). How would I go on? I would die if I didn't have my son to come home to everyday. What's worse, staying in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage or loosing custody of the light of my life? It's just bad any way you slice it.

 

 

He could get custody of him if he worked, too. If you're considering leaving your husband, you need to seek legal advice, and not the advice of a bunch of people on a message board who are not attorneys and are not familiar with your state's laws.

 

Joint custody, as others have stated previously, is the norm these days. You need to decide if you want your son to grow up thinking it's all right to treat a woman the way you say you're treated. And what would you tell his future wife if he treated her the way you say you're treated. Then you need to make a decision and act upon it.

 

Good luck; it's never easy to leave.

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Where did you hear that if he's a SAHD he's automatically getting custody? Forgive me, cause I didn't read all the replies yet, but I had to ask that....

 

I didn't say it was automatic.

 

Since DH is a SAHD, he could get custody of DS if we get divorced (plus alimony and child support). How would I go on? I would die if I didn't have my son to come home to everyday. What's worse, staying in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage or loosing custody of the light of my life? It's just bad any way you slice it.

 

 

He could get custody of him if he worked, too. If you're considering leaving your husband, you need to seek legal advice, and not the advice of a bunch of people on a message board who are not attorneys and are not familiar with your state's laws.

 

Joint custody, as others have stated previously, is the norm these days. You need to decide if you want your son to grow up thinking it's all right to treat a woman the way you say you're treated. And what would you tell his future wife if he treated her the way you say you're treated. Then you need to make a decision and act upon it.

 

Good luck; it's never easy to leave.

 

Thanks, Quilty. FWIW, I wasn't seeking legal advice, more emotional from Mom's who have BTDT.

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Since DH is a SAHD, he could get custody of DS if we get divorced (plus alimony and child support). How would I go on? I would die if I didn't have my son to come home to everyday. What's worse, staying in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage or loosing custody of the light of my life? It's just bad any way you slice it.

 

 

He could get custody of him if he worked, too. If you're considering leaving your husband, you need to seek legal advice, and not the advice of a bunch of people on a message board who are not attorneys and are not familiar with your state's laws.

 

Joint custody, as others have stated previously, is the norm these days. You need to decide if you want your son to grow up thinking it's all right to treat a woman the way you say you're treated. And what would you tell his future wife if he treated her the way you say you're treated. Then you need to make a decision and act upon it.

 

Good luck; it's never easy to leave.

 

 

If you're in North Carolina, I can give you the names and number of at least 2 VERY good family lawyers. Both of whom have a good winning %.

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Where did you hear that if he's a SAHD he's automatically getting custody? Forgive me, cause I didn't read all the replies yet, but I had to ask that....

 

I didn't say it was automatic.

 

Since DH is a SAHD, he could get custody of DS if we get divorced (plus alimony and child support). How would I go on? I would die if I didn't have my son to come home to everyday. What's worse, staying in an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage or loosing custody of the light of my life? It's just bad any way you slice it.

 

 

He could get custody of him if he worked, too. If you're considering leaving your husband, you need to seek legal advice, and not the advice of a bunch of people on a message board who are not attorneys and are not familiar with your state's laws.

 

Joint custody, as others have stated previously, is the norm these days. You need to decide if you want your son to grow up thinking it's all right to treat a woman the way you say you're treated. And what would you tell his future wife if he treated her the way you say you're treated. Then you need to make a decision and act upon it.

 

Good luck; it's never easy to leave.

 

Thanks, Quilty. FWIW, I wasn't seeking legal advice, more emotional from Mom's who have BTDT.

 

 

I have BTDT and I will tell you that what you REALLY need is LEGAL advice ... emotional advice should NOT enter into it until after you've set your course. Otherwise, you end up making foolish mistakes. And even then you shouldn't listen to emotional advice ... sure you need support, but is that support going to give you the best chance to get what you want? Or will solid legal advice get you there?

 

Too often, we as women are ruled by emotions. This should not be an emotional decision - it should be a decision made with all the facts and potential pitfalls outlined in front of you. I know it sounds harsh, but trust me, the last thing you want to do in a situation like this is think with your heart instead of your head.

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SAHD has little to do with it. Plus, if you get divorced, unless he is independently wealthy, he couldn't afford to be a SAHD :rofl:

 

OP, not sure of the specifics, but depending on what state you are in and how long you have been married, you could be ordered to pay him spousal support. Like the others said, you definitely should be talking to an attorney who can go over the best strategy with you now.

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