Jump to content

Do you tell your SO everything that bothers you?


The last post in this topic was posted 4845 days ago. 

 

We strongly encourage you to start a new post instead of replying to this one.

Recommended Posts

DBF and I had a discussion the other night about my adversion to letting him know when he's done something that bothers me. I mean, I will tell him, but maybe not at the moment he does it, mostly because I don't want to argue. I spent most of an eight year marriage arguing over stupid crap, so if I can avoid that in this relationship, I'm all for it. But he's very perceptive and knows when I'm mad about something ... then he won't leave me alone till I tell him what I'm mad about.

 

I have a TERRIBLE temper, so that's why I don't necessarily want to discuss everything the minute it happens - waiting for a while lets me cool down and decide whether or not what I'm mad about is truly important. He thinks I should just tell him when it happens and if we have a small argument over something, at least it clears the air sooner.

 

This isn't a huge problem for us ... I'm just wondering what other people do - do you tell your SO as soon as they do something that annoys you, or do you try to just let it go?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It depends on what is bothering me.

 

If it was something I know he didn't think about or was an accident, I try and let it go and/or just mention it calmly later on down the road when I don't feel all worked up about it.

 

But if it's something that he does over, and over, and over and over and over... or something that seems (in my eyes) to be overly rude or disrespectful... I let it fly. This is not always a good thing. However, it does tend to make an impression that really says "I might not want to do (or say) that again".

Link to post
Share on other sites

I usually try to let it go.

 

Actually, there is something I rarely let go... He just loves to try and read my mind and anticipate what I may want. It is impossible to do, so stop trying. It drives me crazy!!! I let him know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It depends on what is bothering me.

 

If it was something I know he didn't think about or was an accident, I try and let it go and/or just mention it calmly later on down the road when I don't feel all worked up about it.

 

But if it's something that he does over, and over, and over and over and over... or something that seems (in my eyes) to be overly rude or disrespectful... I let it fly. This is not always a good thing. However, it does tend to make an impression that really says "I might not want to do (or say) that again".

 

 

But it isn't something he does over and over again ... for example, he and my ds get along famously. They are typical males with each other - picking on one another and giving each other hell. But at the end of the day, they really like one another. Well, the other night ds said something that annoyed DBF ... and I understand it was something that ds had said over and over again for days. DBF snapped at him and was sort of rude about it, and it irritated me. But I know that ds can be a PITA too so I didn't say anything to him about it. Later DBF kept asking me what was wrong, and I finally told him. And he apologized to me, and then to ds.

 

It wasn't that I thought DBF was wrong in what he said - it was all about how he handled it that irritated me. But was I ready to get into a fight over it? No. I would have said something when I was calm, and told him that while his sentiments were correct, his method bothered me. And if it had been "our" child, I would have felt the same way. Thing is, ds shrugged it off the second it happened and had all but forgotten it by the time DBF apologized to him. DS actually gave DBF a confused look and then started laughing about it.

 

:(

Link to post
Share on other sites
I usually try to let it go.

 

Actually, there is something I rarely let go... He just loves to try and read my mind and anticipate what I may want. It is impossible to do, so stop trying. It drives me crazy!!! I let him know.

 

 

this and telling me what I mean when I say something is gonna make me cut him loose one day... he ticks me off to no avail...

 

If I say I like red & White & ... he will either try to answer the next thing or tell me that I really dont like red & white and that I like pink but was improvising..

 

after MANY arguments, I have learned to pick my battles ( and to save his life) by not telling him any & everything that pisses me off

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm like you in alot of ways. I don't have the temper, necessarily, but I do get annoyed easily. And almost always, I don't want to talk about it right away. Partially because I know that sometimes I'm being petty and it'll eventually go away and not be an issue anymore, and partially because I want to mull it over and get my thoughts together so I can talk about it better when we do talk about it.

 

Having said that, I'm also a bit like your DBF... when it's about my SO. When she's obviously upset or mad I want to know so we can talk about it. Maybe it's the male thing about 'fixing' things, I don't know, but I do know that I don't like it when people are mad with me. If it ends up she's mad about something or someone else, and she insists that she doesn't want to talk about it (which is rare), I can let it go, but if it's about me I feel like I have to address it.

 

Somewhat contradictory, I know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm like you in alot of ways. I don't have the temper, necessarily, but I do get annoyed easily. And almost always, I don't want to talk about it right away. Partially because I know that sometimes I'm being petty and it'll eventually go away and not be an issue anymore, and partially because I want to mull it over and get my thoughts together so I can talk about it better when we do talk about it.

 

Having said that, I'm also a bit like your DBF... when it's about my SO. When she's obviously upset or mad I want to know so we can talk about it. Maybe it's the male thing about 'fixing' things, I don't know, but I do know that I don't like it when people are mad with me. If it ends up she's mad about something or someone else, and she insists that she doesn't want to talk about it (which is rare), I can let it go, but if it's about me I feel like I have to address it.

 

Somewhat contradictory, I know.

 

 

Ah ha! He says the exact same thing ... "I would rather know what you're mad about and what I did to lemonade you off than for you to act upset all night."

 

I really don't act upset all night, but he is very very very good at interpretting my moods. You know, my whole life I wanted to meet a man who at least realized when I was mad ... now that I have, I'm not sure it's the best thing either! :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
It depends on what is bothering me.

 

If it was something I know he didn't think about or was an accident, I try and let it go and/or just mention it calmly later on down the road when I don't feel all worked up about it.

 

But if it's something that he does over, and over, and over and over and over... or something that seems (in my eyes) to be overly rude or disrespectful... I let it fly. This is not always a good thing. However, it does tend to make an impression that really says "I might not want to do (or say) that again".

 

 

But it isn't something he does over and over again ... for example, he and my ds get along famously. They are typical males with each other - picking on one another and giving each other hell. But at the end of the day, they really like one another. Well, the other night ds said something that annoyed DBF ... and I understand it was something that ds had said over and over again for days. DBF snapped at him and was sort of rude about it, and it irritated me. But I know that ds can be a PITA too so I didn't say anything to him about it. Later DBF kept asking me what was wrong, and I finally told him. And he apologized to me, and then to ds.

 

It wasn't that I thought DBF was wrong in what he said - it was all about how he handled it that irritated me. But was I ready to get into a fight over it? No. I would have said something when I was calm, and told him that while his sentiments were correct, his method bothered me. And if it had been "our" child, I would have felt the same way. Thing is, ds shrugged it off the second it happened and had all but forgotten it by the time DBF apologized to him. DS actually gave DBF a confused look and then started laughing about it.

 

:)

 

Oh. That IS sticky ground.

 

Even after almost 10 yrs, DH and I have to tip toe around this one...

 

I think he is way harder/meaner sounding to DD than he is to DS. I mean, DS gets away with a lot of stuff that I would have never tolerated from DD at his age. :rofl: Granted, DD is a smart-aleck/sarcastic type, and now a teen... so he isn't always wrong in what he says or believes. Maybe I'm more sensitive? I guess I am when it comes to her. I try to stay out of it more these days, so she can have a male figure that she respects in her life... but I wont say it doesn't bother me, and that when I think he's crossed the line... I am very likely to go after him the first chance I get when she's out of ear shot. If I thought he was more mean to her or abusive or whatever, he would've been gone a long time ago... so it's not anything like that.. just regular day to day discipline stuffs.

 

But in this kind of thing I really try to be calm and un-accusing.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh. That IS sticky ground.

 

Even after almost 10 yrs, DH and I have to tip toe around this one...

 

I think he is way harder/meaner sounding to DD than he is to DS. I mean, DS gets away with a lot of stuff that I would have never tolerated from DD at his age. :) Granted, DD is a smart-aleck/sarcastic type, and now a teen... so he isn't always wrong in what he says or believes. Maybe I'm more sensitive? I guess I am when it comes to her. I try to stay out of it more these days, so she can have a male figure that she respects in her life... but I wont say it doesn't bother me, and that when I think he's crossed the line... I am very likely to go after him the first chance I get when she's out of ear shot. If I thought he was more mean to her or abusive or whatever, he would've been gone a long time ago... so it's not anything like that.. just regular day to day discipline stuffs.

 

But in this kind of thing I really try to be calm and un-accusing.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Well ... it wasn't discipline at all ... it was just a reaction to something DS said. See, DBF's brother lives next door ... they are all into the anime thing, and DBF and DS both borrow DVDs from the brother. Well, apparently the brother said something to DS about having had a set for a while, but it was DBF who borrowed it, not DS. DS told DBF that brother was upset it had been gone so long (maybe a week or two) and would regularly ask DBF if he was finished with it so it could be returned. Now, keep in mind that DBF's brother thought DS had taken it ... so DS was just trying to save himself, and apparently the brother kept asking for it back. DBF kept saying he'd let his brother know he had it but he never did ... So I guess when DS asked about it that night, DBF was tired of hearing about it. So he told DS to leave him alone about it.

 

*sigh*

 

I hope that made sense. But at any rate, it wasn't discipline or anything like that. It was a conversation that DBF didn't want to have again. I can see both sides of the discussion, but I did tell DBF that he really should have let his brother know that HE had the discs, not DS, and that he shouldn't have let DS take the heat past the first time it was mentioned. He should have picked up the phone right then and let his brother know who had the discs.

 

So ... I just hate dealing with conflict and confrontation. It really sucks, ya know?

Link to post
Share on other sites
DBF and I had a discussion the other night about my adversion to letting him know when he's done something that bothers me. I mean, I will tell him, but maybe not at the moment he does it, mostly because I don't want to argue. I spent most of an eight year marriage arguing over stupid crap, so if I can avoid that in this relationship, I'm all for it. But he's very perceptive and knows when I'm mad about something ... then he won't leave me alone till I tell him what I'm mad about.

 

I have a TERRIBLE temper, so that's why I don't necessarily want to discuss everything the minute it happens - waiting for a while lets me cool down and decide whether or not what I'm mad about is truly important. He thinks I should just tell him when it happens and if we have a small argument over something, at least it clears the air sooner.

 

This isn't a huge problem for us ... I'm just wondering what other people do - do you tell your SO as soon as they do something that annoys you, or do you try to just let it go?

 

 

 

Lately, I've been just shutting my mouth and waiting til we get home/DD's asleep. By that time, most of the time I've forgotten about it. :rofl:

 

But shutting my mouth is a very difficult thing for me to do when I'm pissed off and upset. :( But everytime I say something I'm "starting a fight" so.....I figure I just let it go and if it still bothers me that night or the next day or whatever, then I say something. BY that time, the few times I've said something, he also realizes it wasn't necessarily nice/right and has apologized instead of getting defensive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If I told him everything that bothered me I'd never stop talking. :lol:

 

 

That's me. If I told him everything he would never have a moments peace. He usually knows if I am bothered with something he did and will ask me point blank, some things I will discuss and others things I just let go ( well not really they are always in me head :good: )

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm like you in alot of ways. I don't have the temper, necessarily, but I do get annoyed easily. And almost always, I don't want to talk about it right away. Partially because I know that sometimes I'm being petty and it'll eventually go away and not be an issue anymore, and partially because I want to mull it over and get my thoughts together so I can talk about it better when we do talk about it.

 

Having said that, I'm also a bit like your DBF... when it's about my SO. When she's obviously upset or mad I want to know so we can talk about it. Maybe it's the male thing about 'fixing' things, I don't know, but I do know that I don't like it when people are mad with me. If it ends up she's mad about something or someone else, and she insists that she doesn't want to talk about it (which is rare), I can let it go, but if it's about me I feel like I have to address it.

 

Somewhat contradictory, I know.

I get annoyed easily as well. He is getting better about recognizing when he is pushing me into being annoyed, and backing off. I am getting better at not going off, and taking myself to a corner to grab my ears and "wooo sah" when he is on my last nerve. He will sometimes hold things in for 5 or 6 days and then say something. It just depends on what it is.

 

I don't like for him to be upset with me...but at the same time, I'm not going to keep chasing you to find out what the deal is. He lets me know when he's ready. Now that we know that about each other, things flow much more smoothly when we don't agree on something. :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

If DH is doing something that bothers me I tell him right away so he won't do it again. Because I'll rarely get mad about something if its the first time but if he does it over and over then I'd let him have it. Thankfully he's a good listener and just stops doing whatever it is. Since he's quick to make those little corrections I have yet to yell at him for anything. Lets just hope things stay that way. :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Only if it's something that really really bothers me. I'm rather easily irritated, so sometimes it probably seems a bit nitpicky. Probably the biggest thing that irritates me is when he chews. He has TMJ, so his jaw clicks and it gives me the chills. Normally it's not too bad, but there are some times I shoot him a glance when he's chewing food and he knows exactly what it means <_<

Link to post
Share on other sites

It isn't like everything he does bothers me, but there are SOME things that drive me to distraction. I still don't think they're important enough to mention to him though. But he wants to know EVERY TIME I'm not sunny and happy. If he thinks I'm always going to be sunny and happy, he's got a LOT to learn. :clapping:

Link to post
Share on other sites
It isn't like everything he does bothers me, but there are SOME things that drive me to distraction. I still don't think they're important enough to mention to him though. But he wants to know EVERY TIME I'm not sunny and happy. If he thinks I'm always going to be sunny and happy, he's got a LOT to learn. :blink:

 

Which is worse, the "some things" or him nagging you about what's wrong? :blink: At least if he knows what bugs you, when it happens and you get irritated and he asks why you're upset you can just say "it's nothing, just the [whatever] thing again, I can deal." and hopefully DBF will both take the hint to stop doing that thing, and let the subject drop. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

Im one of those who would rather have an argument and clear the air types DH is as well but was not always.

I have a temper as well but it gets worse as it marinates :D he has learned im much more responsive and understanding if he deals with it right away.

 

For me I think it is because my mom drives me crazy with the nothings wrong when I know there is & springs it on me later out of the blue and often during a happy time. She might be calm at that point( she usually only thinks she is). but by then im fuming mad because

A: I have had to feel /suffer the underlying anger etc for a while

B: It feels like a sabotage vs if handled when it happened.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Im one of those who would rather have an argument and clear the air types DH is as well but was not always.

I have a temper as well but it gets worse as it marinates :D he has learned im much more responsive and understanding if he deals with it right away.

 

For me I think it is because my mom drives me crazy with the nothings wrong when I know there is & springs it on me later out of the blue and often during a happy time. She might be calm at that point( she usually only thinks she is). but by then im fuming mad because

A: I have had to feel /suffer the underlying anger etc for a while

B: It feels like a sabotage vs if handled when it happened.

 

 

 

Well, sure, I can understand it if days have gone by with nothing said. But I'm talking about an hour or two so I can decide if it's really necessary for me to address it. You know, a chance for me to decide if I'm over reacting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Im one of those who would rather have an argument and clear the air types DH is as well but was not always.

I have a temper as well but it gets worse as it marinates :rofl: he has learned im much more responsive and understanding if he deals with it right away.

 

For me I think it is because my mom drives me crazy with the nothings wrong when I know there is & springs it on me later out of the blue and often during a happy time. She might be calm at that point( she usually only thinks she is). but by then im fuming mad because

A: I have had to feel /suffer the underlying anger etc for a while

B: It feels like a sabotage vs if handled when it happened.

 

 

 

Well, sure, I can understand it if days have gone by with nothing said. But I'm talking about an hour or two so I can decide if it's really necessary for me to address it. You know, a chance for me to decide if I'm over reacting.

 

I completley understand that & often one or both of us are overreacting sometimes it can be petty or silly

DH & I are similar in temperment the bad and the good also we were raised the same. In our case we would have more fights and worse arguments doing it any other way.

For us arguing is not really like arguing to others it would probably appear to be huge fights though :)Its hard to explain.

 

 

My example was more or less to describe ,1 of the reasons why I think feel the need to resolve things right away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The last post in this topic was posted 4845 days ago. 

 

We strongly encourage you to start a new post instead of replying to this one.

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      181,149
    • Most Online
      2,046

    Newest Member
    Tajuana
    Joined
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Guidelines