35 replies to this topic

[suedinaz]

I'm sitting here in utter disbelief at what has transpired over the past 8 days and in what I ended up having to do to force my daughter to get the treatment she needs. If you've read my previous post then part of the story is there. Turns out the gang rape accusation was indeed false based on what my daughter admitted to the detective and me. But of course she's backpedaling on that too....so now she's lying bout lying. She's still refusing to admit she has any problems whatsoever and refuses all counseling & therapy, medications, etc. She has been in the psych hospital for the past week, trying to convince people she's fine and telling them what she thinks they want to hear. While she's been in the hospital her High Needs Case Manager, myself, and her PsyNP have been submitting paperwork to try and get her into a residential treatment center or therapeutic group home. Unfortunately this process can take a month or more, and that's IF they'll even approve something like that. Today she was to be discharged from the psych hospital and was to come home. Things didn't work out as planned. I went to pick her up, and while in a conference room with the nurse doing the discharge papers my daughter began to berate, verbally & emotionally attack me. She reiterated her refusal to comply with counseling, medications, and house rules. She essentially said that she was going to come home and do what she wants, when she wants, with whoever she wants and that I needed t stop trying to ruin her life and just deal with it. She called me a b*tc*, said I was delusional and listening to the voices in my head ( all of this being pulled from thin air) psychotic, depressed and crying all the time, a general f*c* up of a parent who doesn't know what she's doing or talking about, etc. I told her that she would comply with treatment as well as respect me and do what she's told or she won't be allowed to live at home. I asked the hospital if they could rescind the discharge paperwork and keep her there longer because I didn't feel she was ready to be discharged. They said no. That because she didn't pose a risk to herself or someone else that they couldn't keep her and they had also given her bed to someone else already. I explained that she would likely come home only to run away or she would further get emotional assault to extend past me and go after my son (she told him to go kill himself once when he was begging her to stop screaming at me). Anyway, this whole time she's looking at me like "ha ha, you're stuck wth taking me home and I'm gonna make your life hell". Unfortunately I ended up having to make the most difficult decision of my life...I called my case worker and we agreed that the only option I had left was to refuse to take her home, effectively abandoning her at the hospital, and called CPS on myself. Unfortunately I was backed into a corner and had to make this decision in order to not only force her into treatment, but also to force the state to take action on getting her into a residential treatment center. I haven't stopped crying since. I'm feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel....empty.

[Snork Maiden]

I'm sitting here in utter disbelief at what has transpired over the past 8 days and in what I ended up having to do to force my daughter to get the treatment she needs. If you've read my previous post then part of the story is there. Turns out the gang rape accusation was indeed false based on what my daughter admitted to the detective and me. But of course she's backpedaling on that too....so now she's lying bout lying. She's still refusing to admit she has any problems whatsoever and refuses all counseling & therapy, medications, etc. She has been in the psych hospital for the past week, trying to convince people she's fine and telling them what she thinks they want to hear. While she's been in the hospital her High Needs Case Manager, myself, and her PsyNP have been submitting paperwork to try and get her into a residential treatment center or therapeutic group home. Unfortunately this process can take a month or more, and that's IF they'll even approve something like that. Today she was to be discharged from the psych hospital and was to come home. Things didn't work out as planned. I went to pick her up, and while in a conference room with the nurse doing the discharge papers my daughter began to berate, verbally & emotionally attack me. She reiterated her refusal to comply with counseling, medications, and house rules. She essentially said that she was going to come home and do what she wants, when she wants, with whoever she wants and that I needed t stop trying to ruin her life and just deal with it. She called me a b*tc*, said I was delusional and listening to the voices in my head ( all of this being pulled from thin air) psychotic, depressed and crying all the time, a general f*c* up of a parent who doesn't know what she's doing or talking about, etc. I told her that she would comply with treatment as well as respect me and do what she's told or she won't be allowed to live at home. I asked the hospital if they could rescind the discharge paperwork and keep her there longer because I didn't feel she was ready to be discharged. They said no. That because she didn't pose a risk to herself or someone else that they couldn't keep her and they had also given her bed to someone else already. I explained that she would likely come home only to run away or she would further get emotional assault to extend past me and go after my son (she told him to go kill himself once when he was begging her to stop screaming at me). Anyway, this whole time she's looking at me like "ha ha, you're stuck wth taking me home and I'm gonna make your life hell". Unfortunately I ended up having to make the most difficult decision of my life...I called my case worker and we agreed that the only option I had left was to refuse to take her home, effectively abandoning her at the hospital, and called CPS on myself. Unfortunately I was backed into a corner and had to make this decision in order to not only force her into treatment, but also to force the state to take action on getting her into a residential treatment center. I haven't stopped crying since. I'm feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel....empty.

I don't have any input, but I've been following your updates. I think you made the right decision. It's not fair to speculate on what would have happened after you go her home, but it sounds like you might have bypassed another ugly situation that would have gotten her back to the hospital anyway. (Or somewhere worse).
You don't sound like a bad mother. That was a hard decision to make, I think your daughter needs more than you can do for her.
Does calling CPS on yourself have any negative repercussions for you, or your other kids?
Hang in there, and stay strong. Most times I just read hard threads like this, it's hard to come up with something relevant/meaningful enough. But, for what it's worth, I'm thinking about your family tonight, I think you made a good decision, and I hope it all turns around soon.

[suedinaz]

" Does calling CPS on yourself have any negative repercussions for you, or your other kids? "
Hopefully not. Everyone I've spoken with (hospital social worker, high needs case manager, & CPS employee) has pretty much said (although reiterating they cannot guarantee) that likely everything will be ok. They will do an investigation, I may be charged with neglect/abandonment for refusing to pick her up from the hospital. They will interview me, my son, I imagine my daughter (who, based on past threats will likely feed them a bunch of lies to try and get me in trouble for things that never occurred), and possibly others. I'm glad she pulled what she pulled in front of hospital staff that can hopefully vouch for me. Also, because there is a vast documented history of my attempts at getting her help, her refusals, her involvement with police, truancy, 5 hospitalizations, 2-3 crisis team calls (where a crisis team comes to your home and assess the patient, tries to intervene), her physically assaulting me, screenshots of her FaceBook page at times she has posted suicide threats and personal things about me & threats towards me, and many other things- it's likely that charges would be dropped as they will see that I've tried everything I can. So, I'm dealing with 2 cases with the police (the false rape charges & the sexual misconduct one), now a case with CPS, not knowing where she is and imagining how this must be effecting her, as well as potential threats by the 19 year old she had sex with. I turned on my daughter's cell phone earlier to retrieve a phone number I needed and came across 2 texts from the 19 year old. It's obvious the police have contacted/charged him. He pretty much says "so you f*c* me and then press charges?! You trying to f*c* up my life b*tc*?!, and the other one says "why are you doing this?"....I think I may have to try and get an order of protection....but I'm scared that doing that will allow him access to my address info since he'd have to be told where he can't go...I'm so confused. As much as I know this all needed to be done and how upset I am at the way she treated me, I'm still heartbroken and scared that the little girl in that hard head of her is somewhere crying her eyes out thinking her mom doesn't love her. I.didn't even get the chance to tell her I love her and that this is only temporary. She's going to hate me forever.

[Tigz]

I think you are doing the right thing. At this point, there is nothing that you can do for her. Just let her know that you love her. You also need to think of your other children and how her behavior affects them.

As for the 19 year old boy. I would talk to the police or courts and see if there is any way that the charges can be dropped. It isn't his fault that your daughter is the way she is, and his life will be destroyed over something that was wholly consensual.

[dawniedawn67]

I think that is what separates the good parents from the bad - when you choose the most difficult option because it is the best one for your child.

You did what you had to do, because the system is how it is. I hope it results in her getting the help that she needs.

((Hugs)) to you and your family.

[VibrantEcho]

I think that is what separates the good parents from the bad - when you choose the most difficult option because it is the best one for your child.

You did what you had to do, because the system is how it is. I hope it results in her getting the help that she needs.

((Hugs)) to you and your family.

So well said.

Praying for you and yours.

[breeze]

Sorry you are going through such a traumatic event. I've been in similar situations, and I think you're doing the right thing. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

[baby duck]

You are not a bad mom.

[dingaling]

It has been a long time since I have dealt with anything like this in the system, but I remember kids being taken to court for being "unmanageable". They go before the Judge and a full hearing is held (a trial without a jury). If the Judge agrees, the kid is sent to detention until he/she straightens up. It is basically "tough love" which shows the kid that the possibilities in the real world are really worse than living at home. Just a suggestion based on my own experiences (working in the system, not as a defendant). Something like a little time in lock up followed by a group home may be the wake up call she needs.

As I said in one of my previous posts, my youngest had a meltdown in 11th grade and ended up in the psych ward. But they stabilized him and he did fine with medication. After a year or two of medications he is doiing just fine.

Treatment plus a change in living conditions my be what helps her. That is if you can find a friend or relative who will take her in after treatment.

[LadyT]

I can't even imagine how your heart is breaking having to deal with all of this. But, you absolutely did the right thing. You really had no other choice. She may be upset and hate you now, but in the end, she will be thankful and respect you for the fact that you loved her enough to do what was best for her, no matter how hard it was. Praying for you all that she comes to her senses soon!

[luckydriver]

good parents go above and beyond and are kicked in the teeth for it.. you probably dont have any teeth left, you did the right thing.

[suedinaz]

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your kind words, experiences, and support. I know I don't post a whole bunch, but I do read almost daily and feel a sort of comraderie despite most f us really not knowing each other in real life. Last I heard was she was still at the hospital because CPS and the hospital administrators keep playing phone tag. The Psychiatrist at the hospital called me this morning and told me I did the right thing and recommended a book for me to read regarding my daughter's probable diagnosis. I bought it on Amazon as a Kindle version and am reading it on my tablet. So far, even though I'm barely done reading the forward, it fits her to. a. tee. Unfortunately her disorder is one of the most difficult to treat out of the mental disorders and I'm in for a very bumoy road...not like I haven't already discovered that. I also spoke with the detective handling the case with the 19 year old and the state is moving forward with charging & prosecuting him despite my concerns for safety. I emailed him screenshots of the texts and he said he'd call me tomorrow as the guy was supposed to go down to the precinct later today for questioning. Up until now the detective had only spoken with him on the phone. I also spoke with the CPS caseworker and she's going to be checking with a mental health provider within her organization to figure out how to best proceed. I feel at this point that she understands why I did what I did and that my daughter needs help. I'm sorry if this is all jumping around a bunch or not making much sense...I'm very tired. Thanks again.

[giraffy]

I think that is what separates the good parents from the bad - when you choose the most difficult option because it is the best one for your child.

You did what you had to do, because the system is how it is. I hope it results in her getting the help that she needs.

((Hugs)) to you and your family.

This

[Labyrinthine]

I can't imagine how hard it was to make that choice but it really does seem like the best. Your daughter was not going to do well at home and if that was the only way to force her to get help, then so be it. Your hand was forced and you did the only thing you could to help your child. That does not make you a bad parent. That makes you someone that loves her daughter and wants her to be healthy.

Good luck.

[mdw2006]

I think that is what separates the good parents from the bad - when you choose the most difficult option because it is the best one for your child.

You did what you had to do, because the system is how it is. I hope it results in her getting the help that she needs.

((Hugs)) to you and your family.

This {{{{hugs}}}}

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[sirrowan]

I think you are doing the right thing. At this point, there is nothing that you can do for her. Just let her know that you love her. You also need to think of your other children and how her behavior affects them.

As for the 19 year old boy. I would talk to the police or courts and see if there is any way that the charges can be dropped. It isn't his fault that your daughter is the way she is, and his life will be destroyed over something that was wholly consensual.

I agree with this. By NOT dropping the charges, your daughter's destructive behavior will have greatly impacted another person in a very negative manner. I'm sure that you are angry at this boy, but he isn't much more mature than she is. Boys don't mature as fast as girls mentally .

Calling CPS on yourself must have been aweful. But as you've laid out in your post, you can show a pattern that it was a last ditch effort to get your daughter the help she needs. In my book, that makes you a great mom!!

[suedinaz]

I have very mixed feelings on the 19 year old and the potential prosecution. Originally, I was gung ho on aiding in the prosecution of him. While I agree that she was "consenting", the law here is clear regarding the age difference and the age of consent. That's not to say that I continue to believe he should be severely prosecuted, but the law is the law and it does "take 2 to tango". After some thought I had called the detective last Friday and said I was not fully comfortable in going forth with the charges, based on various factors. Of course that included the "consentual" nature and the fact that this is not the worst "crime" in the world. I was also concerned for the safety of my family, as I have reason to suspect this guy is either in a gang or closely affiliated in some degree based on Facebook posts etc. I broached these issues with the detective and he said he understands my concerns, however it looks like the state is stepping in and proceeding with charges regardless of if I press charges. Part of me is OK with it from a legal standpoint. Yes, they both knew what they were doing, but I am positive he knew she was only 14 AND he knew having sex with her was illegal based on more texts & private Facebook messages exchanged between my daughter and him. He outright told her that he wanted her but he knew that she was "jailbait". She also knew it was illegal because her and I have had many discussions about different laws, including that one. Therefore, in my opinion, he knew damn well what he was doing was illegal and he CHOSE...THEY chose to proceed. So, I do fuly understand both sides of the potential debate- however at this time I pretty much have no say in the matter.

[beli]

I have very mixed feelings on the 19 year old and the potential prosecution. Originally, I was gung ho on aiding in the prosecution of him. While I agree that she was "consenting", the law here is clear regarding the age difference and the age of consent. That's not to say that I continue to believe he should be severely prosecuted, but the law is the law and it does "take 2 to tango". After some thought I had called the detective last Friday and said I was not fully comfortable in going forth with the charges, based on various factors. Of course that included the "consentual" nature and the fact that this is not the worst "crime" in the world. I was also concerned for the safety of my family, as I have reason to suspect this guy is either in a gang or closely affiliated in some degree based on Facebook posts etc. I broached these issues with the detective and he said he understands my concerns, however it looks like the state is stepping in and proceeding with charges regardless of if I press charges. Part of me is OK with it from a legal standpoint. Yes, they both knew what they were doing, but I am positive he knew she was only 14 AND he knew having sex with her was illegal based on more texts & private Facebook messages exchanged between my daughter and him. He outright told her that he wanted her but he knew that she was "jailbait". She also knew it was illegal because her and I have had many discussions about different laws, including that one. Therefore, in my opinion, he knew damn well what he was doing was illegal and he CHOSE...THEY chose to proceed. So, I do fuly understand both sides of the potential debate- however at this time I pretty much have no say in the matter.

Does the detective know about the fb postings between the two? (I'm going to assume they do here) which is more than likely why the state is pursing the charges. He could also have a history of this that you might not know about and the cops have finally got enough evidence against him. I was going to respond to Tigz post that maybe it was not up to you to continue to press charges but sometimes the state goes in and presses charges without having the other party press charges.

Btw, wanted to add, that I think you're not bad mom... hopefully one day your daughter will realize that what you are doing is for her own good and help her in the long run, and not just for today.

Edited by beli, 17 May 2012 - 06:08 AM.

[cljohnr]

I am positive he knew she was only 14 AND he knew having sex with her was illegal based on more texts & private Facebook messages exchanged between my daughter and him. He outright told her that he wanted her but he knew that she was "jailbait".

That's all I need to see. I tend to give the benefit of a doubt in a lot of these cases, where there is legitimate doubt about whether the guy should have know the girl was a minor. This guy knowingly broke the law. I'm not sympathetic.

[canyoncat]

I know it feels far from it, but IMO, you are the BEST mom. A bad mom would have just given in and given up. Taken her home and have her ruin the family and run away doing whatever she wants. You know it. We've all seen those kids running wild where their parents have just thrown in the towel.

You're still in there fighting, and that makes you GOOD, not bad. I'm sorry your daughter sounds a lot like I described. Not "crying for help" , but just pissed off at the world, at you, and at rules. She's just willful and maybe ill too.

When I was a teen if we misbehaved our parents would threaten us with Juvie. It was no idle threat either. Parents could, and did, send their kids off to juvenile hall to live. At that point we learned to shut our mouths. I sort of miss the days when parents could just force their kids into submission. There wouldn't have been any "I'm not taking medication" or "I don't have to follow rules". Sigh.

I know you won't stop beating yourself up, but if you can, stop worrying about whether she will "hate" you for the rest of her life. That's the least of her issues. Parenting was never a popularity contest anyway. She'll either survive all this someday and become a decent adult, or she won't. You're doing the best you can.

[sirrowan]

I have very mixed feelings on the 19 year old and the potential prosecution. Originally, I was gung ho on aiding in the prosecution of him. While I agree that she was "consenting", the law here is clear regarding the age difference and the age of consent. That's not to say that I continue to believe he should be severely prosecuted, but the law is the law and it does "take 2 to tango". After some thought I had called the detective last Friday and said I was not fully comfortable in going forth with the charges, based on various factors. Of course that included the "consentual" nature and the fact that this is not the worst "crime" in the world. I was also concerned for the safety of my family, as I have reason to suspect this guy is either in a gang or closely affiliated in some degree based on Facebook posts etc. I broached these issues with the detective and he said he understands my concerns, however it looks like the state is stepping in and proceeding with charges regardless of if I press charges. Part of me is OK with it from a legal standpoint. Yes, they both knew what they were doing, but I am positive he knew she was only 14 AND he knew having sex with her was illegal based on more texts & private Facebook messages exchanged between my daughter and him. He outright told her that he wanted her but he knew that she was "jailbait". She also knew it was illegal because her and I have had many discussions about different laws, including that one. Therefore, in my opinion, he knew damn well what he was doing was illegal and he CHOSE...THEY chose to proceed. So, I do fuly understand both sides of the potential debate- however at this time I pretty much have no say in the matter.

Does the detective know about the fb postings between the two? (I'm going to assume they do here) which is more than likely why the state is pursing the charges. He could also have a history of this that you might not know about and the cops have finally got enough evidence against him. I was going to respond to Tigz post that maybe it was not up to you to continue to press charges but sometimes the state goes in and presses charges without having the other party press charges.

Btw, wanted to add, that I think you're not bad mom... hopefully one day your daughter will realize that what you are doing is for her own good and help her in the long run, and not just for today.

I just wanted to add that you do not have to cooperate with the case though. If the DA knows that you will NOT cooperate, he will have no choice but to drop charges. Usually...

[suedinaz]

Since my last update I have learned that my daughter was finally picked up at the hospital by CPS the night before last. She is in a therapeutic group home 50 miles away in a different county. Today I went to a meeting set up by CPS called a "Team Decision Meeting". My High Needs Case Manager was unable to attend, but her team lead was there in her place. We were able to show CPS what the past 1.5 years has looked like with all of the hospitalizations and behavioral/delinquency issues, as well as show them everything we have done and offered my daughter to get help. Needless to say they were shocked at everything and seemingly very much in aggreance that my daughter needs serious and immediate help. I have an emergency CFT (Child & Family Team meeting) on Monday which will further discuss where we are in terms of treatment and hopefully will have an update from the state regarding the request for placement into a residential treatment center. Soon there will be a dependency hearing in court regarding custody and plans. I will have an attorney assigned to me, and my daughter will also have an attorney or guardian ad litem assigned to her. As of now, CPS has legal custody of my daughter. I am allowed phone contact, but I will allow my daughter to make that first move. I have left messages for her telling her I love her. I find myself breaking down frequently throughout the days. At times I feel fine, but it can change at the drop of a hat. I had to go in her room last night to pt away some laundry I had washed and it made me realize how much I miss her, despite all of the hurtful things she's said and done.

[orangecrush]

I hope that everything works out for you and your daughter. I have been sending good thoughts your way.

[suedinaz]

I was able to speak with my daughter today, unsurprisingly it didn't go well. She used that opportunity to tell me how horrible of a mother I am and that I'm not her mom anymore only calling me by my first name. She still refuses to accept that she needs help and said nothing will change if she ever comes home. I tried telling her how much I love her and care about her and she just said she doesn't care anymore and that a mom who loves her kids wouldn't do what I did etc. I told her she's welcome to call me whenever she's allowed, she said not to expect any calls from her and not to bother calling her again. She said the place she's at is practically like being at home so it's not doing her any good. I told her that place is just temporary until she gets into a residential treatment center. She said "I'm NOT going to one of those no matter what anyone says". When I told her that at this point she doesn't get an option and no longer has a choice she hung up on me. This hurts so much.

[sirrowan]

I was able to speak with my daughter today, unsurprisingly it didn't go well. She used that opportunity to tell me how horrible of a mother I am and that I'm not her mom anymore only calling me by my first name. She still refuses to accept that she needs help and said nothing will change if she ever comes home. I tried telling her how much I love her and care about her and she just said she doesn't care anymore and that a mom who loves her kids wouldn't do what I did etc. I told her she's welcome to call me whenever she's allowed, she said not to expect any calls from her and not to bother calling her again. She said the place she's at is practically like being at home so it's not doing her any good. I told her that place is just temporary until she gets into a residential treatment center. She said "I'm NOT going to one of those no matter what anyone says". When I told her that at this point she doesn't get an option and no longer has a choice she hung up on me. This hurts so much.

You did the right thing. Don't doubt yourself. I just cannot imagine what you are going through.....Hopefully, she will get the treatment she needs at this point. What is sad is that you had to go to such extreme measures to make it happen, but again, you did the right thing. Hopefully she will see that in the future.