I have opted out of eating Thankgiving dinner with my immediate family. Is this rude?

[japalena]

There is a long story behind why I have chosen not to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my immediate family this year (grandmother, aunts, uncle, brother and cousins). My mom's side of the family has always been very close, but after many years of gossipping and them making assumptions about me ... I have had enough.

 

The bottomline is my family doesn't seem to appreciate those who faithfully contribute to the family events such as birthday and holiday dinners. As you may recall, I posted a question on here about a month ago about my grandmother's 92nd birthday party. My aunt basically asked all of my grandmother's grandchildren to contribute $100 toward the party. She also stated that all my grandmother's seven children would be contributing $100 each. I knew that wasn't true right off the bat because most of my grandmother's children, including my mom, are on fixed incomes. I also know that the majority of my first cousins, those who aren't in jail or on drugs, don't have any money to contribute and those that do usually don't.

 

I told her I couldn't afford to contribute a $100. We are expecting our first child and they already knew that, but as usual they feel that because I am married I should be in a financial position to give. I am one of the faithful ones who always contributes above and sometimes beyond what is asked of me. But I just didn't feel it would be logical to give $100 toward a birthday party, especically since my grandmother has seven children. I gave $30.

 

To make a long story short, one of my cousins approached me the party about the amount I'd given and said it wasn't enough. He told me they asked for a $100 and I could've given $50 at the very least. Needless to say that has left a really bad taste in my mouth. Obviously one of my aunts mentioned the amount I gave otherwise he had no way of knowing. This is not the first time someone has called me cheap, stingy, etc. I am tired of it. Although I realize I can't change others I can control myself. So I have decided to spend Thanksgiving at home.

 

My brother is very upset with me because this is his first year back and he really wants me to be there. We are very close but I can't seem to get him to understand my point of view. I'm tired of people making assumptions about things that are none of their business. I'm tired of pretending I don't know what they say behind my back. He feels they are always going to be that way (their age ranges between late 50's to early 70's) so I should accept it. I disagree.

 

For whatever reason, they have always held me to a higher standard than anyone else. It is perfectly acceptable for the non-working people to eat for free and pack off plates, but they want to take advantage of the working people who are actually trying to make ends meet (my brother and I). We are amongst the first people they call when we're having an event. They want to know how much we're donating or what we're bringing. If we don't come through we're the talk of the town.

 

My cousin (actually my 3rd cousin) has invited me to eat with them. We're close to this part of the family as well, but I know there will be a lot of crazy remarks flying around if I go eat with them instead of my immediate family. I really don't care to go anywhere, but for some reason my cousin thinks it's not normal to sit at home on Thanksgiving day.

 

I am literally at my limit with this situation. There are so many other instances I could tell you about.

[Jen23514]

you gave a long explanation for why. I didn't read it.

 

I just read your subject line and can give you a short answer:

 

 

NO.

[Islandgal]

while we can't pick our families, it doesn't mean we have to put up with them

 

NO

 

and don't let them guilt you into thinking otherwise..

[Galoma]

Yeah. What they said.

[Nemeweh]

No.

 

 

 

And tell your brother that Aunt Busy-Body needs to learn to keep her yap shut, or they will be without your "contributions" forever and a day. Boy Cousin, should not be able to talk because your foot should've been put so far up his flowers that all he can mumble is "shoe leather".

 

 

I've got a bunch of worthless, shiftless, moron cousins myself. I know your pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ETA - Enjoy your Thanksgiving with your hubby and soon2b baby! Go to funny 3rd cousins only if you want.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Nemeweh

[mdw2006]

agree with what the others say.

 

 

 

You should enjoy your Thanksgiving day and have it be stress free, maybe you can invite brother over Friday or Saturday for leftovers?

[Auto_Body_Chick]

I'm not doing Thanksgiving OR Christmas because I am avoiding my brother. I don't even want to look at him.

 

So I say... NO. It's not rude.

[Doodah]

More rude to not tell us why. We don't judge

[TiredMom]

No, not rude. Your sanity and financial peace is more important than trying to please ungrateful family members. BTDT.

[sirrowan]

If it will add stress to your life and make you unhappy, then I'd say, NO don't go.

 

Stay home and enjoy your peace and quiet before the baby comes. There will be little afterwards, lol.

 

Enjoy the little time you have left with your husband prebaby because things will totally change for the rest of your life after the baby is here.

 

There are always awesome movies that open on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Go see one.

[radi8]

one of my cousins approached me the party about the amount I'd given and said it wasn't enough. He told me they asked for a $100 and I could've given $50 at the very least

 

 

that's what's rude, right there. Avoiding people like that isn't rude at all.

[jerseygirl74]

Not rude. Enjoy your holiday how you please.

[texasdad]

I choose

 

(D) Agree with all of the above

 

 

 

I know the feeling and we are staying home this year and will be decorating the house for Christmas, we will have Christmas music on and make a good time of it alone.

[punkinbee59]

one of my cousins approached me the party about the amount I'd given and said it wasn't enough. He told me they asked for a $100 and I could've given $50 at the very least

 

 

that's what's rude, right there. Avoiding people like that isn't rude at all.

 

yep, what he said.

 

set limits with your family....especially where money is concerned. that sense of entitlement I've read in your story galled me to no end. they're the ones being rude, NOT YOU.

 

eh, let 'em talk.....besides, don't YOU have a family of your own to take care of?

[Jen23514]

I'm bumping this thread because I needed the reinforcement of not feeling guilty for avoiding people that will inevitably will make me cry.

[squirrelgirl]

No, you are not rude.

 

 

I'm happy my family doesn't bother with such shenanigans.

[blackberry74]

I feel like people spend a lot of time worrying about offending/hurting other folks' feelings. You should ask yourself if those same people are spending the same amount of time worrying about offending you or hurting your feelings. The answer is likely no ('cuz if the answer was yes, there wouldn't be threads like this); therefore, you should conduct yourself accordingly. Cut those fools off and live your life as stress free as possible.

Edited November 23, 2009 by blackberry74

[bonusmom]

You're opting out (CB style) and you owe no one an explanation. My mom has tried the guilt trip garbage and last year I held my ground (finally). It's liberating when you establish boundaries.

 

Enjoy your drama free Thanksgiving!