How To Help Her?

[Labyrinthine]

I don't even know where to begin.

 

About a year ago my best friend confided in me that things were bad in her marriage. I do not mean unhappily married, I mean her husband was blowing up over nothing, becoming emotionally and verbally abusive. While she has never said it, I strongly suspect he has either hit her or she fears he will.

 

Over the past two years I have noticed big changes in him. First there was the move, that was odd but I thought he was just trying to find his place. Now there is this. In December she basically told him he absolutely must get help. He promised her he would have an appointment by the end of the month. Then, his uncle was killed. She gave him slack but now he is outright refusing to see anyone and is back to the manipulation game of blaming her.

 

She is miserable and lost and living in terror of the man she loves. I think she is right on the edge of leaving him but is scared of what that means and I know she still loves him (the old him, not this new, scary him).

 

Mind you he and I have been good friends. I cannot even reconcile what I have experienced and heard with the person I know. I have been doing all I can by always standing by her side (from 2,000 miles away), always supporting whatever she decides, etc. But I am just scared for her.

[disnugaswagg]

The only thing that you can do, at this point, is continue being a friend. She has to realize that love does not create an environment filled with terror or abuse. Most importantly, she has to be the one to say enough is enough and LEAVE. When caught in such situations, no one knows what the outcome of leaving a life behind entails, but when life continues to sing a sad old song... you run to something new, you distant yourself from the old, you make way for new things to enter into your life; however, from your post, I do not think she is ready to make that move. Now, if it was my friend and she was being abused, and it was confirmed, I would have to do a surprise visit and see if she really really needed the help/mental boost to leave.

 

Usually, I would not advise such drastic measures, but when a person continues to go through these types of scenarios, it not only makes them spiritually weak, but also mentally and physically. To me, your direct contact with her would be the biggest key to helping her make the first steps to leaving him.

Edited January 19, 2012 by disnugaswagg

[Echo_X]

"The move".. Let me guess. He moved with her either out to the middle of nowhere, or impossibly far away from all of her friends? I might presume that he feels she "doesn't need" to work...IE doesn't let her have a job that she can support her self with?

 

*Sigh* An important thing to remember. No one seems like *four letter word of choice* when they are out and about. You don't really see someone's true face until you have lived with them, and are stuck with them. Serial killers are just normal people when they walk out the door. As far as help goes, he won't get it because he doesn't want it. He has what he wants. Something to take out/blame his problems on.

 

I can't give you advice on what to do. I have my own problems in that regard. I hope things get better, but expect them to get much, much worse....

 

I have another statement that doesn't really feel right here, so I will make it in private..

[pryan67]

Is he, by chance, having an affair?

[direred]

Is he, by chance, having an affair?

Whereas my first thoughts were: diabetes? (can cause mood changes) brain tumor?

[Nemeweh]

Lab,

 

All you can do is encourage your friend to do what's best for HER. And possibly give her a place to stay until she can get back on her feet. Ultimately, only she can decide what she wants. However you can let her know his behavior is absolutely considered abusive by anyone with any kind of degree in psychology/psychiatry.

 

Also if she does leave...she needs to arm herself. He sounds like a vindictive Effer (most abusers are) and might come after her. My same advice goes to you, if she comes to stay with you. He may well put the blame on you and consider it your fault.

 

Other than that, I got nothing. Sadly there is no nationwide, toll free number for hiring 3 or 4 dudes to go whip the ever-loving-isht out of him. Even then, eventually he'd end up abusing her again. (or worse)

Edited January 19, 2012 by Nemeweh

[luckydriver]

i wish you luck with your friend..she has to decide to make all the moves..i know someone that started dating a divorced woman but she was still constantly bombarded with phone calls and texts from the drunk, even being late to a date because the ex called her over..while she dated this guy, her ex got laid off and she actually let him move bac in with her...he's there almost a year later, no incentive to leave, just sit there drinking a case of beer a day and being abusive to her and making the kids lives miserable. obviously the guy stopped dating her but she does have a new guy that she sees...pure craziness on his part if you ask me

 

until the woman decides to act theres nothing anyone else can do

[baby duck]

I agree with the posters that have said you can do nothing until she decides to act. Nothing will change until she's ready to make it happen. You can make it clear that you will come to help her at the drop of a hat, and that you will help her find a place to stay when she decides to go.

 

Been there, done this. And close to both. Turns out that he is bi-polar, and is much better now with meds, but things were dicey for a long time.

[Stephanie23]

Labyrinthine, My thoughts and prayers are with your friend. But like everyone has said, she has to decide that enough is enough and end the abuse by leaving. My opinion is that in marriage, two things are intolerable: unfaithfulness and physical abuse. If she is experiencing either or both I hope she realizes before it's too late that she needs to get out... Sounds like a do or die situation...

[Labyrinthine]

Update.

 

She saw a lawyer, had the papers written up. She signed a lease on a new apartment. Now he is begging her to stay saying if she stays he will get help but if she leaves he will have nothing to live for. She is, of course, completely broken. She says she wants to leave and has even arranged to move out several weeks earlier than planned but she is terrified he is going to hurt himself.

 

All I can do is remind her she is not responsible for him and he needs to get the help he clearly desperately needs on his own.

 

 

My heart hurts for her.

[dawniedawn67]

she is terrified he is going to hurt himself.

 

 

 

My son's bio dad always pulled that too. Let her know he's still alive and well at 43, and subjecting his current girlfriend to the same abuse he subjected me to 22 years ago.

[5ofus]

She doesn't have to live with him for him to get help.

[Saturngoddess]

she is terrified he is going to hurt himself.

 

 

 

My son's bio dad always pulled that too. Let her know he's still alive and well at 43, and subjecting his current girlfriend to the same abuse he subjected me to 22 years ago.

 

 

Ditto. My ex did that too. 23 years later he's still alive. I don't know about any girlfriends though - hopefully there isn't anyone out there as stupid as I was - but I was only 18. I don't even recognize who the hell I was back then.

[Sniper762]

I agree with the posters that have said you can do nothing until she decides to act. Nothing will change until she's ready to make it happen. You can make it clear that you will come to help her at the drop of a hat, and that you will help her find a place to stay when she decides to go.

 

Been there, done this. And close to both. Turns out that he is bi-polar, and is much better now with meds, but things were dicey for a long time.

 

 

Been there married someone with borderline personality disorder.

 

IT SUCKED!

 

I agree with baby duck you need to make your willingness to help clear if needed. Often people feel they have no options.

[sirrowan]

Update.

 

She saw a lawyer, had the papers written up. She signed a lease on a new apartment. Now he is begging her to stay saying if she stays he will get help but if she leaves he will have nothing to live for. She is, of course, completely broken. She says she wants to leave and has even arranged to move out several weeks earlier than planned but she is terrified he is going to hurt himself.

 

All I can do is remind her she is not responsible for him and he needs to get the help he clearly desperately needs on his own.

 

 

My heart hurts for her.

 

I had 2 ex's try to use that I have nothing to live for. I told them that I was calling their mother. I did. And let me tell you their attitude changed. It's a manipulative move on his part. Let him tell his mother that he wants to kill himself. He won't because he has no desire to do so and is put on the spot so to speak. Cured that issue right off the bat.

 

It sounds like he is living with a guilty mind. He has done something that makes him feel guilty and he's kind of living in his own hell and taking it out on her. Been there done that bought the tshirt!!

 

I'm saying this based on the implied fact that they've been together for awhile? If not, I take back everything I've said and she just needs to get away!!!!

[Labyrinthine]

Update. She is all moved out. This came rather quickly after he announced that he had feelings for her friend and propositioned the friend (who is also married) and then started accusing her of cheating on him for months.

 

She has been doing pretty good. Except when he calls her and convinces her to meet him somewhere and then proceeds to treat her like crap and then she calls me in tears wondering why she even met up with him.

 

She is now at a place where she is confident in her decision. She files the final paperwork next week.

 

But...now we have a new twist. She has now had two dates with a guy from work. Now, I have nothing against her having a good time but up until about a week or so ago she was adamant she would not date at all until the divorce was final. Now she is calling me all giggly about a new guy. I know part of this is just finally feeling good after so long of feeling bad and part of me wants to encourage this (and he seems nice and stable enough). But part of me screams "PANIC!"

 

Thoughts? Ideas? Advice?

[Tigz]

Bad, bad, bad idea.

 

Take your pick

 

1. She is trying to get back at her ex.

2. She is feeling needy and wants to feel that she is still desirable and men still want her.

3. Combination of the two.

[Battle_of_Evermore]

Update. She is all moved out. This came rather quickly after he announced that he had feelings for her friend and propositioned the friend (who is also married) and then started accusing her of cheating on him for months.

 

She has been doing pretty good. Except when he calls her and convinces her to meet him somewhere and then proceeds to treat her like crap and then she calls me in tears wondering why she even met up with him.

 

She is now at a place where she is confident in her decision. She files the final paperwork next week.

 

But...now we have a new twist. She has now had two dates with a guy from work. Now, I have nothing against her having a good time but up until about a week or so ago she was adamant she would not date at all until the divorce was final. Now she is calling me all giggly about a new guy. I know part of this is just finally feeling good after so long of feeling bad and part of me wants to encourage this (and he seems nice and stable enough). But part of me screams "PANIC!"

 

Thoughts? Ideas? Advice?

 

There is probably a loneliness issue going on and whatever her current husband's mental issues spilled over onto her. I would let her know straight up that she needs to lay off having any kind of sexual relationship with anyone. Let her know that she needs to learn how to be single again and just enjoy living. See if you can talk her into some kind of support group to nudge her in the right direction.

[Labyrinthine]

We did have a nice long talk about how she should refrain from sex for the time being. For many reasons. And she seemed to take it to heart. But...we'll see.

 

As for getting back at the ex. That isn't her style. But I think she is lonely and wants someone that treats her well. I think we'll be having another long talk tomorrow.

[ICANHASMUNY?]

make sure she's not on the hook for any bills at the previous residence. and that he doesn't change the names over on this.

 

emotional abuse sometimes turns into financial vengence.

 

joint accounts, credit cards, the like -

 

 

I would put a freeze on my credit report at this stage so that no online applications can be made.

[Labyrinthine]

All the bills were in her name. She has already removed her name from everything. With the tax return, they paid off and closed all joint credit cards, etc.

 

Once they file for divorce, he has agreed (for now) to remove her name from the mortgage. I don't think he even would know how to find her social (he has literally never done anything that would give him that info) but I'll make sure she knows to put a freeze on her reports. Thanks for the advice. I think too well of people sometimes - it would never occur to me that someone would do that.

[luckydriver]

i hope you mean refi the mortgage because it's impossible to remove a name from an existing mortgage just because of divorce

 

congrats on moving out!

[Labyrinthine]

I am taking a trip.

 

Things turned ugly.

[sirrowan]

I am taking a trip.

 

Things turned ugly.

I hope everythings ok?

[Labyrinthine]

Physically, yes. But he resorted to stalking and hacking into her email, etc. I am just going down to be with her for a bit. She needs someone with her.