How to make your DW get the hint???

[eLiTeGoodGuy]

Wow I was in the exact same situation...

 

My Ex-Wife did the exact samethings. We always barely scraped by every week. I had a job where I had to travel the state of VA at a moments notice. I got a call for a site about an hour away... Stopped to get gas and was declined. She drained the account of everything, we were -$30 in the account.

 

I ended up returning Birthday gifts to walmart for a giftcard to buy gas to keep my job.

 

As someone suggested seperate bank accounts accounts it does work, however it also depends on how responsible/trustworthy she is. After the gas incident, I demanded we split the bills. I paid 66% of all bills and she paid the rest (since I made double, it was only fair) we got 2 seperate accounts. Within 1 month I caught up all the bills that were past due and paid them up 3 months and still had $900 spare in the account.

 

Well one day about a month after we seperated accounts; I got a call from Bank of America, saying they were closing my account. After being very confused as to why (I had my account with them for almost 10 years) they said her acount was -$1300 in 1 month and it was suspected fraud. Since her name was attached to my account they were closing mine too.

 

Come to find out she went to the ATM and wrote a check to herself for money that wasn't even in the account and withdrawing it in the same session... She did this 3 times for $400 each in 3 days, Who knows what she did with the money. Needless to say I moved out shortly after that.

[LBCS]

Wow I was in the exact same situation...

 

My Ex-Wife did the exact samethings. We always barely scraped by every week. I had a job where I had to travel the state of VA at a moments notice. I got a call for a site about an hour away... Stopped to get gas and was declined. She drained the account of everything, we were -$30 in the account.

 

I ended up returning Birthday gifts to walmart for a giftcard to buy gas to keep my job.

 

Holy cow. I would have hit the roof if I had to do something like that. I cannot imagine how patient you must be since you did not move out that night itself.

[DharmaDog]

Someone has to take charge in the relationship regarding finances. You can do it together or not. It doesn't matter, but it shouldn't be belittling to the party that is not in direct control.

 

The issue I have with comments made here is that several of you have implied that it's not okay for a man to take charge when a woman is also making money. Okay, but I suppose it would be okay in reverse?

 

I know a man who was the COO of a major airline. His wife was a stay at home mom. She handled all the finances. Was that wrong? No, of course not. So why isn't a man allowed to to take charge of finances in a relationship if the woman is being irresponsible? Especially, if they have kids and her spending is jeopardizing their welfare?

 

Whenever it's suggested that a man take charge, the response here is "oh, no you didn't!"

 

Why? What's wrong with either party, or both parties taking charge when it's so obvious that SOMEONE needs to?

 

It's not the "taking charge" of finances that can be a problem. What WILL be a problem is trying to take over control of all the money and doling out what you think is appropriate, regardless of the spouse's concerns and the fact that she (or he) is also earning that money and has just as much of a "right" or "say" in how it's spent.

No one person in a relationship can or should (IMHO) just "take charge" or "take control" without a sit-down discussion and agreement on both sides--regardless of whether it's a one or two income household. But what some were saying (at least how I read it), was that someone earning their own paycheck would be EXTREMELY unwilling to just hand over their paycheck against their will.

 

I have to disagree with the bolded segment above. When you are married, especially if you have kids, you do not have a right to spend money any way you see fit if necessities are not being covered. If you cannot be responsible with money and are jeopardizing the well-being of your family, then someone needs to step up and be the responsible party. The alternative is the likely break-up of the family.

 

Frivolous over-spending can be an addiction, not unlike alcoholism, and can be similarly damaging to a household. You don't enable an alcoholic to drink because they have right to do whatever they want. So why wouldn't you step in to keep your spouse from ruining your family financially? Obviously you would discuss it first; try to get them onboard, but if they don't straighten up, you really have no choice. It's either that or leave them. And if there are kids in the picture you'd end up punishing innocents by leaving.

 

Ego, pride and a sense of entitlement need to be put aside in these situations.

Edited January 18, 2009 by DharmaDog

[angeleyeskkhr]

Someone has to take charge in the relationship regarding finances. You can do it together or not. It doesn't matter, but it shouldn't be belittling to the party that is not in direct control.

 

The issue I have with comments made here is that several of you have implied that it's not okay for a man to take charge when a woman is also making money. Okay, but I suppose it would be okay in reverse?

 

I know a man who was the COO of a major airline. His wife was a stay at home mom. She handled all the finances. Was that wrong? No, of course not. So why isn't a man allowed to to take charge of finances in a relationship if the woman is being irresponsible? Especially, if they have kids and her spending is jeopardizing their welfare?

 

Whenever it's suggested that a man take charge, the response here is "oh, no you didn't!"

 

Why? What's wrong with either party, or both parties taking charge when it's so obvious that SOMEONE needs to?

 

It's not the "taking charge" of finances that can be a problem. What WILL be a problem is trying to take over control of all the money and doling out what you think is appropriate, regardless of the spouse's concerns and the fact that she (or he) is also earning that money and has just as much of a "right" or "say" in how it's spent.

No one person in a relationship can or should (IMHO) just "take charge" or "take control" without a sit-down discussion and agreement on both sides--regardless of whether it's a one or two income household. But what some were saying (at least how I read it), was that someone earning their own paycheck would be EXTREMELY unwilling to just hand over their paycheck against their will.

 

I have to disagree with the bolded segment above. When you are married, especially if you have kids, you do not have a right to spend money any way you see fit if necessities are not being covered. If you cannot be responsible with money and are jeopardizing the well-being of your family, then someone needs to step up and be the responsible party. The alternative is the likely break-up of the family.

 

Frivolous over-spending can be an addiction, not unlike alcoholism, and can be similarly damaging to a household. You don't enable an alcoholic to drink because they have right to do whatever they want. So why wouldn't you step in to keep your spouse from ruining your family financially? Obviously you would discuss it first; try to get them onboard, but if they don't straighten up, you really have no choice. It's either that or leave them. And if there are kids in the picture you'd end up punishing innocents by leaving.

 

Ego, pride and a sense of entitlement need to be put aside in these situations.

 

I completely agree with you. But if my husband tried to take my paycheck and dictate what could/would be spent and where with NO consideration for what I felt was necesasry, while he boutght whatever the hell he wanted...Then there darn sure would be a pissin' contest in the house. And I can see that kind of thing destroying a marriage....whether the person "taking" the money is in the right or not.

 

ETA: Honestly if it gets to the point of you having to TAKE your own wife's (or husband's) own paycheck to keep things in line because s/he is unwilling to cooperate with a spending plan/budget, IMHO, it's time to move out. No matter what you do, the person will not listen to what you want, and will find ways behind your back to get the money (whether it's CC's, going into the bank in person to withdraw money, ordering new checks to write out, etc).

Edited January 18, 2009 by angeleyeskkhr

[DharmaDog]

Someone has to take charge in the relationship regarding finances. You can do it together or not. It doesn't matter, but it shouldn't be belittling to the party that is not in direct control.

 

The issue I have with comments made here is that several of you have implied that it's not okay for a man to take charge when a woman is also making money. Okay, but I suppose it would be okay in reverse?

 

I know a man who was the COO of a major airline. His wife was a stay at home mom. She handled all the finances. Was that wrong? No, of course not. So why isn't a man allowed to to take charge of finances in a relationship if the woman is being irresponsible? Especially, if they have kids and her spending is jeopardizing their welfare?

 

Whenever it's suggested that a man take charge, the response here is "oh, no you didn't!"

 

Why? What's wrong with either party, or both parties taking charge when it's so obvious that SOMEONE needs to?

 

It's not the "taking charge" of finances that can be a problem. What WILL be a problem is trying to take over control of all the money and doling out what you think is appropriate, regardless of the spouse's concerns and the fact that she (or he) is also earning that money and has just as much of a "right" or "say" in how it's spent.

No one person in a relationship can or should (IMHO) just "take charge" or "take control" without a sit-down discussion and agreement on both sides--regardless of whether it's a one or two income household. But what some were saying (at least how I read it), was that someone earning their own paycheck would be EXTREMELY unwilling to just hand over their paycheck against their will.

 

I have to disagree with the bolded segment above. When you are married, especially if you have kids, you do not have a right to spend money any way you see fit if necessities are not being covered. If you cannot be responsible with money and are jeopardizing the well-being of your family, then someone needs to step up and be the responsible party. The alternative is the likely break-up of the family.

 

Frivolous over-spending can be an addiction, not unlike alcoholism, and can be similarly damaging to a household. You don't enable an alcoholic to drink because they have right to do whatever they want. So why wouldn't you step in to keep your spouse from ruining your family financially? Obviously you would discuss it first; try to get them onboard, but if they don't straighten up, you really have no choice. It's either that or leave them. And if there are kids in the picture you'd end up punishing innocents by leaving.

 

Ego, pride and a sense of entitlement need to be put aside in these situations.

 

I completely agree with you. But if my husband tried to take my paycheck and dictate what could/would be spent and where with NO consideration for what I felt was necesasry, while he boutght whatever the hell he wanted...Then there darn sure would be a pissin' contest in the house. And I can see that kind of thing destroying a marriage....whether the person "taking" the money is in the right or not.

 

ETA: Honestly if it gets to the point of you having to TAKE your own wife's (or husband's) own paycheck to keep things in line because s/he is unwilling to cooperate with a spending plan/budget, IMHO, it's time to move out. No matter what you do, the person will not listen to what you want, and will find ways behind your back to get the money (whether it's CC's, going into the bank in person to withdraw money, ordering new checks to write out, etc).

 

I'm only referring to the extreme cases like those posted here. I'm not suggesting anyone take anyone else's money away from them just for the hell of it or as a method to control their spouse. I don't think that anyone here was proposing that. This thread was about serious spending problems.

[eLiTeGoodGuy]

Wow I was in the exact same situation...

 

My Ex-Wife did the exact samethings. We always barely scraped by every week. I had a job where I had to travel the state of VA at a moments notice. I got a call for a site about an hour away... Stopped to get gas and was declined. She drained the account of everything, we were -$30 in the account.

 

I ended up returning Birthday gifts to walmart for a giftcard to buy gas to keep my job.

 

Holy cow. I would have hit the roof if I had to do something like that. I cannot imagine how patient you must be since you did not move out that night itself.

 

Yup I learned my lessons, still paying for it today. But ohh well

[krzywon]

Just have to pipe in on this because DW and I finally got everything worked out about this. It only took 2 years!

 

2 years ago, this month, DW and I were engaged, planning what would eventually be a $25k wedding. The wedding was amazing and the best weekend of my life, but at the time, we really shouldn't have been able to afford it. 2 years ago, we had $20k in CC debt, $65k in SL debt, $14k in car loans and only about $15k in savings/retirement accounts. Net worth: -$85k... I finally said enough. I ran through our budget and without cutting cable, internet, netflix, cell phones, etc, I was able to cut our spending by $1000 a MONTH. I proposed a moratorium on eating out, ordering in, on-demand, using the ATM and a few other cuts that also *HURT ME*. DW agreed and *we* set out on a plan of attack.

 

The result: Today, CCs are PIF, SLs are down to about $54k, $2k left in car loans. Cash on hand: ~$8k, Retirement: ~$30k. I keep track of our finances and when we're pushing our budget limits, I *ask* if *we* can find a way to lower *our* spending for a little while. DW and I then sit down at Yodlee to talk about what *we've* already spent our money on.

 

What I'm trying to say is marriage is teamwork and by putting all the blame on your wife, no plan will ever work. You need to show her how you are cutting back as well.

[LBCS]

Just have to pipe in on this because DW and I finally got everything worked out about this. It only took 2 years!

 

2 years ago, this month, DW and I were engaged, planning what would eventually be a $25k wedding. The wedding was amazing and the best weekend of my life, but at the time, we really shouldn't have been able to afford it. 2 years ago, we had $20k in CC debt, $65k in SL debt, $14k in car loans and only about $15k in savings/retirement accounts. Net worth: -$85k... I finally said enough. I ran through our budget and without cutting cable, internet, netflix, cell phones, etc, I was able to cut our spending by $1000 a MONTH. I proposed a moratorium on eating out, ordering in, on-demand, using the ATM and a few other cuts that also *HURT ME*. DW agreed and *we* set out on a plan of attack.

 

The result: Today, CCs are PIF, SLs are down to about $54k, $2k left in car loans. Cash on hand: ~$8k, Retirement: ~$30k. I keep track of our finances and when we're pushing our budget limits, I *ask* if *we* can find a way to lower *our* spending for a little while. DW and I then sit down at Yodlee to talk about what *we've* already spent our money on.

 

What I'm trying to say is marriage is teamwork and by putting all the blame on your wife, no plan will ever work. You need to show her how you are cutting back as well.

 

What a great story. I am tired of reading unimaginative posts where the first thing they say is - "lose the cable, cut the cell phone".

 

Looks like your net worth increased by 2.5K-3K a month and you still lived well. Congratulations.

[Jen23514]

Just have to pipe in on this because DW and I finally got everything worked out about this. It only took 2 years!

 

2 years ago, this month, DW and I were engaged, planning what would eventually be a $25k wedding. The wedding was amazing and the best weekend of my life, but at the time, we really shouldn't have been able to afford it. 2 years ago, we had $20k in CC debt, $65k in SL debt, $14k in car loans and only about $15k in savings/retirement accounts. Net worth: -$85k... I finally said enough. I ran through our budget and without cutting cable, internet, netflix, cell phones, etc, I was able to cut our spending by $1000 a MONTH. I proposed a moratorium on eating out, ordering in, on-demand, using the ATM and a few other cuts that also *HURT ME*. DW agreed and *we* set out on a plan of attack.

 

The result: Today, CCs are PIF, SLs are down to about $54k, $2k left in car loans. Cash on hand: ~$8k, Retirement: ~$30k. I keep track of our finances and when we're pushing our budget limits, I *ask* if *we* can find a way to lower *our* spending for a little while. DW and I then sit down at Yodlee to talk about what *we've* already spent our money on.

 

What I'm trying to say is marriage is teamwork and by putting all the blame on your wife, no plan will ever work. You need to show her how you are cutting back as well.

 

awesome post.